I truly believe Lynn wanted me to breakdown and cry in therapy today. There was some crying but I did not breakdown. It wasn’t because she didn’t try her hardest. She absolutely did! Contrary to what she hoped, I got angry. I’m so pissed off I am thinking of ways to get out of therapy.
Before proceeding, I must point out that this is my perspective. By no means am I accusing her of crossing ethical boundaries but my retelling will make you think so. My perception is one-sided and self-protective.
Lynn purposefully challenged my thinking today. It came on the heels of last week when — for the first time — I opened up to her, admitted that I missed therapy and divulged a great deal of painful feelings regarding my past.
I feel trapped because now she knows I trust her so she went in for the kill.
I know I’m skirting the issue. You are probably asking yourselves about now, “What the heck is Daylily talking about?”
How I opened up. How I exposed my weakness and how my therapist turned it around and pushed my problem right up to my nose.
Once again I stated my modus operandi: change takes time. I not only tell my husband this but I also use it to reassure myself that I’m headed in the right direction. I need time to put a safety net in place for the fall out when I stop drinking. I have no idea what I will do with the feelings and thoughts that I’ve learned to numb and push down with alcohol. Admittedly, I’m scared to be alcohol-free.
I disclosed the contentious marital conflict last weekend. I told Lynn my husband yelled at me, “Therapy is not working because you are still drinking.”
What felt like a sucker punch, Lynn followed up by saying, “You must stop drinking and then work on the emotions. The drinking is the elephant sitting in the room.”
I expected her to tell me, your husband doesn’t know how hard you’re working. Instead she sided with him.
Lynn threatened to withdraw my medications if I don’t stop binge drinking. She said, “It is the policy at our practice to decrease and eventually cease all prescribed medications if the patient has an issue with alcohol.”
It was then that I shut down. I couldn’t look in my therapist’s eyes. I felt betrayed.
Lynn asked the number one therapist question, “What are you feeling right now?”
My answer, “Cornered. You are threatening to take away my medication for depression.” I began to cry softly but not enough to ask for her help with it.
Survivors of sexual abuse are good at believing no one really cares.
When I feel cornered I want to bolt out the door. I waited as I watched the minutes tick away.
Lynn said things like, “You always have options.” And, “You can find another therapist who will not tell you what I am.”
My nasty response, “I know I have options.”
Lynn said I was angry.
“Yes, I don’t like to feel that you are siding with my husband and ganging up on me.”
She said my husband could come to the next session.
“Right,” I replied sarcastically, “So the two of you can both tell me I’m behaving badly.”
I said, “To get through that session I would need to wear a protective plate of amour.”
Lynn tried to offer assurance that she would be on my side to help explain to my husband the hard work I’m doing. I didn’t believe her. I still don’t feel she was sincere. What she was offering was an intervention. The same thing my husband suggested.
My nasty side came out and I said, “Let’s just invite my whole family and have a true intervention.”
Lynn told me she wasn’t going to take away my medication today. She tried to reassure me that she knows it’s a process. Blah, blah, blah.
My protective inner-self was hurt and I did not absorb any of what she said. She was judging me and that’s all I felt.
Lynn did offer suggestions about what to put in my “basket” to help me when I stop using alcohol as a crutch; but this is not the positive post to express hopefulness. First I need a place to express a sense of betrayal and disappointment.
Please no comments about my therapist being right. I’m a bright woman and I don’t need to be told that. What I need is support and understanding on this journey.
♥ Daylily, in a nasty mood