How’s my depression now that I stopped drinking wine, you ask.
I feel numb. Not especially happy or sad. Emotionless, I suppose, would be a good word for how I feel.
I fake excitement and joy so my kids think I care about what happens in their lives. I do care but if it were up to me I would respond the same way whether they got straight A’s or got kicked out of school. It’s all cerebral without much affect. Not bad or good feelings — basically no feelings.
And it’s not like I’m that smart or intelligent either; I’m just playing the roles of wife, mother, daughter, teacher, patient, student, sister and aging woman as anyone would expect a person like me to be.
Even without drinking I still take a nap almost everyday. I’m not sure if it’s because I stay up too late or my body’s nervous system continues to adjust without alcohol or if my medications (celexa, wellbutrin and klonopin) are the culprits. I know I’m tired, unproductive and letting chores go by the wayside. It’s not a good feeling to feel so unmotivated.
I haven’t seen my therapist for 3 weeks so I suppose we will talk about all of these things. She encouraged me to stop drinking on my antidepressants so I can at least feel good I haven’t had a drink in close to 2 months. That’s progress in taking charge of my mental health. Shouldn’t I feel more excited about it?
Alcoholics Anonymous has become a regular routine of mine. Who knew there were so many women-only groups? I certainly didn’t and I’m pleasantly surprised to find 3 different groups that I can go to for support. My ability to connect on a personal level with other women is not a strong point of mine. I’ve mostly been listening and sharing tiny bits of myself. However, the more comfortable I get the more I see that I don’t need to connect or be more intimate than I want to. The anonymity piece of AA allows for people to come and go without anyone judging or holding them accountable. This works for a person like me who dodges people who want more in a relationship than I’m willing to give. Surprisingly, I do have a sponsor who is supporting my path to sobriety but she recognizes I’m like a deer caught in headlights so she’s not pushing too hard for me to get into the steps. We’re keeping it simple. “Just don’t drink,” is my mantra. It’s going well and I’m discovering the cravings are psychological. When I feel uncomfortable my mind whispers to me that if I just get through the event/issue/meeting (whatever) I can have a glass of wine later.
Now that I’m not drinking I am focusing on being mindful by recognizing my thoughts and feelings, acknowledging them and trying to release them without judgment. Perhaps this emotional work is exhausting and that is why I am emotionless. It’s easier to not drink if I stay dead to the world and allow nothing or as few things as possible to upset me.
Hmmm, just writing that last sentence makes me wonder if I’m shut down emotionally. When you’ve been depressed as long as I have it is really hard to know what normal feelings are. Maybe emotionless is really a sense of peace and calm??? If so, I’d like to have some peaks and valleys, too; but if I stay even keel I will accept it as a good sign. Better than depressed and angry.
♥ Daylily ♥