Category Archives: Uncategorized

Therapy session was tough…

This is from my newer blog that chronicles my problem with using alcohol. I drink to hide from my depressive feelings and trying to break the habit is not as easy as I thought.

My Healing Recovery

This is a follow up to my last post regarding being honest about relapsing to my therapist.

Yesterday I had a session with Lynn and, after getting the pleasantries about her vacation and my surgery out of the way, I squirmed uncomfortably on her couch and bluntly said, “I should start by telling you that I started drinking wine again.”

She asked a few questions, the first one, “What day did you have a drink?”

I answered, “May 18th, the last time I saw you before you went on vacation.”

She asked me to tell her about what happened and I dismissively replied, “Who, what, where, when and how don’t matter as much as the why.” She nodded and played along. I say played along because I feel like I was deflecting from the whole truth because I didn’t have the guts to be totally straight forward. I…

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It’s about time I faced my resentments

I’m going to do it TODAY.  I will go to therapy in one hour and open up about my 25 year marriage and all of the bitter resentments that entails.  The marriage is actually 8 months shy of 25 years.  The enormity  of 25 fucking years is incomprehensible.  Holy shit.  How did I survive that long in this marriage?

Merriam-Webster first defines “enormity” as “the state or quality of being utterly evil.”  The second definition is “the quality or state of being very large.”  I intended to mean the second; however, in addressing my resentments I would have to go with definition number one!

I feel I’ve allowed my husband to make most of the big decisions in our lives and now I hold onto anger that the house we’ve lived in for 20 years is not the one I wished for and the neighborhood was never where I envisioned raising my children.  Shutting up and taking it is why I’ve been drinking.

This should be an enlightening therapy session.  My fear is that once the words come out I will go into a tailspin of anger and bitterness.  So, my plan is to protect the marriage by not overreacting with my husband.  I intend to start by opening the can of worms in therapy but not cause undue strain and friction with my husband by being reactionary.  I will protect both his self-esteem as well as my own by working through things with Lynn.

I can’t think about where this will lead me.  For now it is the right time to bring the subject of resentments up in therapy.  No more; no less.

♥ Daylily

Celexa side effect — sleepiness

After discussing how tired I am with my therapist she looked at her notes and remembered I increased the Celexa not too long ago.  Lynn thinks the medications could be causing my exhaustion, especially since I wasn’t this tired when I was drinking and the tiredness came on at  the time of the increase in meds.  She said sleepiness can be a side effect of Celexa.  No shit Sherlock?   Isn’t that the case for every SSRI? 

Lynn commented that the Wellbutrin is known for having a positive effect on addiction so she didn’t want to change that right now since I quit drinking 2 months ago.  It still took me a year to quit drinking so I don’t know if I would say Wellbutrin has helped with my sobriety but it definitely helped reduce my urge to eat.  I’ve lost a bit more than 30 lbs and I feel pretty good about that.  The other night I actually felt my hip bone protruding while I was lying on my back.  I’m by no means thin but I went down 2 jeans sizes so that’s good!

I lowered the Celexa dose 3 days ago so time will tell if the Celexa was stealing my energy.  I’ll keep you posted. 

♥ Daylily ♥

My depression now that I’m sober

How’s my depression now that I stopped drinking wine, you ask. 

I feel numb.  Not especially happy or sad.  Emotionless, I suppose, would be a good word for how I feel.

I fake excitement and joy so my kids think I care about what happens in their lives.  I do care but if it were up to me I would respond the same way whether they got straight A’s or got kicked out of school.  It’s all cerebral without much affect.  Not bad or good feelings — basically no feelings. 

And it’s not like I’m that smart or intelligent either; I’m just playing the roles of wife, mother, daughter, teacher, patient, student, sister and aging woman as anyone would expect a person like me to be. 

Even without drinking I still take a nap almost everyday.  I’m not sure if it’s because I stay up too late or my body’s nervous system continues to adjust without alcohol or if my medications (celexa, wellbutrin and klonopin) are the culprits.  I know I’m tired, unproductive and letting chores go by the wayside.  It’s not a good feeling to feel so unmotivated.

I haven’t seen my therapist for 3 weeks so I suppose we will talk about all of these things.  She encouraged me to stop drinking on my antidepressants so I can at least feel good I haven’t had a drink in close to 2 months.  That’s progress in taking charge of my mental health.  Shouldn’t I feel more excited about it?

Alcoholics Anonymous has become a regular routine of mine.  Who knew there were so many women-only groups?  I certainly didn’t and I’m pleasantly surprised to find 3 different groups that I can go to for support.  My ability to connect on a personal level with other women is not a strong point of mine.  I’ve mostly been listening and sharing tiny bits of  myself.  However, the more comfortable I get the more I see that I don’t need to connect or be more intimate than I want to.  The anonymity piece of AA allows for people to come and go without anyone judging or holding them accountable.  This works for a person like me who dodges people who want more in a relationship than I’m willing to give.  Surprisingly, I do have a sponsor who is supporting my path to sobriety but she recognizes I’m like a deer caught in headlights so she’s not pushing too hard for me to get into the steps.  We’re keeping it simple.  “Just don’t drink,” is my mantra.  It’s going well and I’m discovering the cravings are psychological.  When I feel uncomfortable my mind whispers to me that if I just get through the event/issue/meeting (whatever) I can have a glass of wine later. 

Now that I’m not drinking I am focusing on being mindful by recognizing my thoughts and feelings, acknowledging them and trying to release them without judgment.  Perhaps this emotional work is exhausting and that is why I am emotionless.  It’s easier to not drink if I stay dead to the world and allow nothing or as few things as possible to upset me. 

Hmmm, just writing that last sentence makes me wonder if I’m shut down emotionally.  When you’ve been depressed as long as I have it is really hard to know what normal feelings are.  Maybe emotionless is really a sense of peace and calm???  If so, I’d like to have some peaks and valleys, too; but if I stay even keel I will accept it as a good sign.  Better than depressed and angry.

♥ Daylily ♥

Emotional Drinking

Thanks to all my followers who have offered me kind words and support.

Join me on the next part of my journey.  I am moving away from this blog and beginning a new one.  I’d like to think of it as a step forward.  My depression is under control but I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I want to focus on that issue and not blame my drinking on depression.  Maybe it’s time I blame my depression on drinking?  I’m not sure where I’m headed but I know my journey of healing is not over.

It’s just beginning…

♥ Daylily

Shop for lingerie

What’s a better pick-me-up? I’ve been riddled with depression, anxiety, feelings of shame, anger, and guilt; really, you name an emotion that attacks from the inside and I’ve been feeling it.

Tonight I went to the mall and bought myself a present: panties, bras and camisoles. And no cheap Hanes briefs from Wal-Mart (which I wear everyday so don’t get me wrong about that). My recent weight loss boosted my self-image and I don’t feel like an obese sea cow swimming in the lingerie department. I went all out and bought the softest Jockey panties and camisoles I’ve ever felt. No, they aren’t satin and lace or very sexy but they are stylish and comfortably cotton. I know I will feel happier tomorrow just knowing I did something nice for myself.

My mood was so low today that I almost shut down my blog and cut myself off from my therapist. The only way I can explain it is when I feel judged or criticized I get defensive. For some reason when others are disappointed in me I take on their condemnation as my own. I feel utterly worthless and push others away because I’m not worth their worry or care. The pattern goes like this: someone I trust hates a behavior of mine; I can’t change it so I hate myself equally as much.

I woke up feeling so bad I fantasized about suicide. I thought just get me the fuck out of this world. I didn’t plan anything or take the idea any further than wishing I wasn’t alive.

I called Lynn, my therapist, and we talked things out. She made me realize that I focused on one tiny part of our session and blew it way out of proportion. Lynn assured me she is committed to working with me. She observed that all of my relationships have the same dynamics and if I work on how I feel with her I am helping my other relationships too. She’s right.   I can get so stuck in inner turmoil.   The conversation was pretty long and it helped to be able to express myself to someone who was reassuring. I won’t go into the whole binge drinking thing except to say she explained her position a little better and I understand where she’s coming from. First of all, I did choose a therapist who is a prescribing doctor so of course that person would be concerned if I mix alcohol with her medications. What really made me see her point was after I asked “Would you tell a patient who self-harmed through bulimia or cutting to just stop the behavior?” Her answer was, “Alcohol is a form of medication and I am a prescribing therapist. I have a responsibility to be concerned about mixing the two.” I calmed down after that and said, “I can understand that.”

What I know is this blog is about my depression. Lynn has her eye on that when I lose my focus. Of course, she’s right that I’ll never be well until I stop drinking. It does not mix well with my medication nor help my depression.

My perspective is slowly changing.


Being married to a survivor of childhood sexual abuse

There are two sides to every coin

Good Evening! If you read my last post then you know I emotionally broke down over the weekend. What a crying mess I was. I spent all Sunday in bed, restoring my equilibrium. I am feeling so much better. It is not hard for survivors of sexual abuse to fall off-balance. Fortunately for me, time settles things and makes all the difference. As I go deeper into my issues there is less recovery time – which is a relief! 

My husband took the brunt of my rage but in truth I was triggered by seeing my brother who abused me, telling my step dad about the abuse and then re-telling Lynn in therapy. Only a person with trauma would know how bringing too much to the surface can put a survivor into a tail spin.

I regret how hard I was on my husband. Admittedly there are issues in my marriage, any marriage, really. What does it do to a guy whose wife wants to run away every time she feels slighted? Either physically run or mentally check out by drinking wine. Yes, he said some mean things but I didn’t tell you about how I told him, “Fuck off” and “You don’t control me.” When he didn’t want me to walk on the road at night it was because he cares. Our road is rural with no lights, no sidewalks and right now there is snow up to the edge. I was being stubborn and felt trapped and wanted to do something stupid like stumble down the road. He was angry that I was drunk. We were both at fault but I have to concede my part, that life with a survivor of sexual abuse is hard on the spouse. I can be unpredictable with intimacy and trust and half the time I don’t even know why I act the way I do.

I met my husband when we were in college and we’ve been married for 24 years. Although the relationship seems especially strained right now, most likely it’s because I am trying to grow, change and improve. There have been a lot of backslides during the past year. My emotions are up and down, left and right. My husband does try to get some control and it’s not always been that way. I have directed our relationship by pushing him away or needing him so desperately that it’s overwhelming for him. He has stuck by me through years of a tumultuous relationship. I give him credit and I recognize everyone has their limit. He hit his limit when I was drunk (again) on Saturday night. Even though I “only” drink on the weekends, I keep saying I’m going to stop. He’s tired of hearing my promises. I don’t think he’s a bad guy, I think he’s stuck in a tough position.

I’m still going to work on our relationship issues. I want to track when situations trigger anger. That is when I disassociate. I may find my husband is over-the-top with his criticisms and controlling ways but I must also see my part in our marriage dance. I’m a real bitch most of the time. I complain about everything. The house, the chores, his lack of help, the long list of things that need to be fixed, how I need help with the children’s busy schedules and that I hate to go food shopping and I wish I didn’t have to cook meals and clean up afterward. I am not the easiest person to live with. That’s the reality.

Yes, my husband is showing frustration and impatience. In some ways, I think it is his right. I’m not the warmest wife or happiest homemaker.

Thanks for reading this one. Journal/diary blogging has a way of being partial and imbalanced. I needed to try to show both sides of the coin. I know this side doesn’t make me look good. In order to make changes I must be rational and balanced.

♥ Daylily

I like the message in this blog post. I feel validated that the work I’m doing to change my thoughts and learn new coping skills is the right path for me. Real change is a process that takes time. I can’t rush it as much as I would like to. I thank the author (Jennifer L. Kunst, Ph.D. Copyright 2011) for the reminder!


Speak to any quality psychotherapist, fitness trainer, nutritionist, financial advisor, organizational consultant,—anyone in the change business—and they will tell you that the chief complaint of those trying to change their ways is, “Why does it have to take so long?”  

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“It is better to give than to receive.” Jesus Christ

This photo is of my Barbie collection. Here is the irony…my mother would not allow me to have a Barbie doll so I didn’t own one until I was about 30 years old. At that time, I began collecting used dolls. I’ve never bought one new so the collection you see is a conglomeration of other girl’s dolls. Probably from girls who were allowed to play with the dolls, whose mother did not care that Barbie’s image was unrealistic and not attainable.

I carry no bitterness that my mother adamantly opposed Barbie. I grew up playing in the neighborhood, running around with my brother’s and never focusing on my looks. My husband tells me I have “natural beauty” and the highest compliment he has given me is when he told our sons to find a girl like your mother – not high maintenance, just naturally beautiful.

I took photos of my Barbie collection to sell on eBay. But, I realized there is no value in used Barbie’s because they are easily available. I don’t have a daughter and my family and friends with girls can afford their own Barbie’s. I wanted to find a girl who would appreciate my collection and play with it as the dolls were meant to be used. Last night I searched on Google for low-income housing in my area. Today I took my giant Ziploc bag that must have weighed 5 pounds and drove off. First I drove to the housing project but I didn’t see anyone so after about 10 minutes I drove off. Next, I walked my dog in the woods and I kept my heart open to an opportunity to give away my collection. Wal-Mart was close to the dog park so I drove there. I went inside and bought a couple of items and at the next register was a mother with 2 daughters who caught my eye. I went outside and waited for them to come out of the store. They walked out and I felt a bit reluctant because the family was African-American and I didn’t want to insult the girls. I almost felt like handing them a bag of mostly white, blonde, perfectly shaped dolls was offensive. I know girls play with Barbie’s regardless of race so I was about to follow them to their car.

That’s when I saw a girl helping her grandmother in a handicapped parking space. The grandma was in an electric wheelchair and she was directing the young girl to load up the car in a certain way. The girl was innocent and young, about the age of 9 is my best guess. The child was happily helping her grandmother. I looked the pair over and saw the girl was wearing some fuzzy pajama bottoms, nondescript sneakers and she was slightly overweight. Her hair was not done up any certain way, in fact it looked like she didn’t brush it. The grandmother was shorter than the girl and talked kindly to her. I knew I’d found the girl.

I walked up to the grandmother and asked, “Is that your granddaughter?” She gave me a strange look and said that it was. I commented that she seems like a very good girl to help her. I then I asked if her granddaughter likes Barbie’s? She said, “Yes.” I asked if it would be okay if I gave her granddaughter a bag of Barbie’s. The grandmother said, “She would love that.” I walked to my mini-van, pulled out the giant bag and handed it to the girl who jumped up and down with the bag saying, “I have Barbie’s!” She was genuinely happy and I could tell the girl would get a lot of enjoyment from those dolls. The grandmother said, “It’s an early Christmas present.” I said Merry Christmas and walked toward my car. The woman said thank you and I reiterated my feelings, “You have a very sweet granddaughter.” The grandmother replied, “Yes, she is very good to me and helps a lot.”

My heart expanded to ten times its size. I don’t have a daughter and both my grandmothers have passed on. I was happy to touch another grandmother’s relationship with her granddaughter.

♥ Daylily


Changing gun laws in the US

What a senseless act of violence in Newtown, CT.  I can not imagine what these families are feeling.  My heart and prayers are with each one and especially the young children that must live in the aftermath of this traumatic event.

This story hits close to home because my siblings and I went to kindergarten in Connecticut and I have nieces and nephews that live close to this school.

It’s a tragedy that shouldn’t have happened. I am committed to becoming more active about changing the gun laws in the US.  My first step was to sign up on the website Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence   I am going to get informed about what needs to change.  I want to help move the country in the right direction by trying to change gun laws to protect all of us — and especially young children who should never have to face such early trauma and death.

God Bless America

♥ Daylily