What lies behind us, and what lies
before us are tiny matters,
compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
What lies behind us, and what lies
before us are tiny matters,
compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I like to be upfront in my blog and – as much as I wish I could say all this self-compassion and mindfulness is helping – right now – it’s not.
Things suck. I’m getting over a sinus infection and I’ve been experiencing a migraine for 2 days. These are physical and can wreak havoc on my emotional stability.
I fucking hate being unstable. I fight it or fake it until the feeling passes.
My home life is wrought with anger because I feel burdened with the household chores. I have two growing boys and a healthy husband yet if I go out for the evening, the kitchen remains as messy as when I left. I angrily make clear how I feel, “I’m not the only one in this house who knows how to clean a kitchen. So, why am I the only one doing it?” As you can probably imagine this reaction makes everyone clear the room and grow further in distance from my rage.
My family knows when I’m not feeling stable and they joke about my anger and interruptions. “Not funny,” I say. They really don’t understand this is my worst and I need them the most.
There’s a break down in communication because I never learned how to express uncomfortable feelings. Survivors of sexual abuse either take it out on themselves or get angry with the world. It’s seems there’s no normalcy or middle ground.
I can’t fix my emotional self until the physical self is better. I took charge of my health and called my doctor three times in the last week. Once to get on an antibiotic for my sinuses, the second time because the first antibiotic didn’t work and again because my migraine was not responding to a potent medication that I can only take every twenty-four hours. The medication (Imitrex) lasted 15 hours and I called my doctor. She said I was experiencing a cluster migraine and prescribed a tapered steroid.
So, I’m taking antibiotics, steroids and my usual cocktail of Wellbutrin, Celexa and Klonopin. This is positive because I’m healing the infection, knocking out the migraines and treating my depression.
I wish I could feel optimistic. But, the stress of not being on top of my game has made me lose focus on mindfulness and self-compassion. Somewhere along the way I heard the voices telling me, “You’re sleeping too much.” “You need your doctor too much.” “You haven’t put up one Christmas decoration.” My head has been full of self-defeating thoughts that I can’t run from.
I fall back on my old way of numbing the pain – both emotional and physical. I self-sabotage with a bottle of Pinot Grigio. I know I binge drink. I hate myself more for the lack of self- control.
My appointment with Lynn this week was focused on my emotional health and how I’m striving for mindfulness. I told her I recognized moments where I beat myself up with an inner critic that no one would want as a friend. She asked about my drinking and even after I told her I am drinking as a way to disassociate, she told me I’m making progress with the work of being present with my feelings.
I cannot believe she praised me even though I feel defeated and weak. Lynn told me to keep working on my emotions and allow those feelings to come to the surface.
I wanted to hug and thank her for recognizing my effort. Never have I expressed all of my vulnerability and had someone say, “Good for you.”
Your journey has molded you
for your greater good,
and it was exactly what it needed to be.
Don’t think that you’ve lost time.
It took each and every
situation you have encountered
to bring you to the now.
AND NOW IS RIGHT ON TIME.
Photo courtesy of Wikipedia.org
I can’t complain about my life right now. My depression is being treated with the medications I take and I’m becoming a spectator in much of what can bring me down through my own ruminations and self-defeating thoughts. Suggestions from the book, Living with Your Heart Wide Open, are helping me practice being “AWARE” — allow, witness, acknowledge, release and ease up. These are simple words that pack a lot of power.
My body has been fighting an infection since last week. I’ve been low on energy and not as productive as I would like. I couldn’t take being sedentary any longer and I went to a group exercise class, even though I knew I was not feeling well. During the exercise class my body would not perform to my expectations. I literally fell over with a balancing pose and I opted out of much of the strength training, preferring to lie on my yoga mat in Child’s Pose. I was so pathetic that my inner critic berated me.
I felt the weakness in my body and then I witnessed my thoughts belittle my effort. I heard: Try harder. Be stronger. Listen better. You are the only one not doing the exercises. You are different. You are inferior. Stop being weak.
I wanted to cry right there on my yoga mat because I wasn’t living up to my own sense of who I should be.
Then, growth unfolded.
I wiped my brow with a soft hand towel I’d brought with me, took a few sips from my water bottle – all while others where vigorously doing Sun Salutations, Warrior Poses and leg lunges – and curled back into child’s pose. I offered myself compassionate thoughts: Its okay. You are sick. Your body is fighting an infection. You most likely have a fever. Don’t judge yourself by others. Do only what you are capable of. Eventually I joined the class in Downward Dog, modified the difficult poses and went on to enjoy the restorative exercises.
I was fully present in my body when the class ended. I recognized my illness and gave myself compassion for my suffering as I never have before. My history would have had me hating myself and ruminating about how horrible I acted in front of others. Typically those feelings follow me home and, when there’s too much of them, I eventually spiral down into a pit of despair.
Not this time. I offered self-love, compassion and mindfulness. This capacity to be AWARE is completely new to me because in my childhood there was no focus on how I felt. I take pride in my emerging ability to acknowledge and ease up on myself. I like the feeling of responding to my needs and being kind to my inner self.
P.S. My doctor prescribed an antibiotic so I should be healthier for next weeks exercise class!
I will attempt a post about self-compassion, for the sake of growing in my ability to focus on being mindful. My tendency is to be unaware of emotions which allowed for my inner critic to have full reign for the past 40+ years. The patterns have repeated themselves since my childhood, within a family of intellectual perfectionists, I felt less than perfect due to my personal experiences with incest and depression. It is time to stop carrying shame and blame and expose them in order to limit the power they have over me.
Am I losing some of you? I will find a quote that describes this better than I ever could.
Mindfulness is “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994, p. 4). When we begin to make contact with the present moment using the tool of mindfulness, the world gradually begins to look and feel different. It is as if we are slowly becoming awakened to the reality of the constantly unfolding present moment in a new way. Worries about the past and the future begin to fade away as you realize that you are only truly alive in this moment… right now.“
My life is on a positive path. I have been exercising, meditating, drinking less and practicing mindfulness. I am beginning to recognize my marriage triggers negative emotions. My pattern has been to close-up and walk away, never to acknowledge my feelings. Yesterday an incident occurred and I pushed aside my instinct to escape and I stayed with a challenging topic. I tried to see my husband’s side, as well as my own and ultimately realize the result doesn’t matter as long as I allow myself to feel things. This is not easy, if you’ve been married, you know what I’m talking about. Conversations can easily metamorphasize into a blame-game.
So, yesterday Husband brought up our finances. I felt like running away and not partaking in or being responsible for his worries. He rightfully complained I avoid the topic of finances which led to an argument where he became so frustrated he was throwing around the f-bomb in close proximity to our children.
I have this tendency to react without emotion when anyone gets angry and this time was no different; I built a fortress around myself. My husband was saying if the finances were up to me we’d be living in squalor and we wouldn’t have money for retirement. I fought back by blaming him for needing everything bigger and better. Our house is 5,000 square feet and I tell him let’s downsize. We don’t need so many flat-screen tv’s, a swimming pool, 3 acres to live on. It’s way more than I wish we had. He argues back we can afford all of it if we stay on budget. I dig my heels in and stubbornly believe he’s entirely at fault.
He storms to his office and I go talk to my 14-year-old. I recently heard of a study that reported children who live with parents that argue have a greater probability for depression. Son 1 is particularly sensitive but thankfully he is confident and driven (unlike me, depressed at 14). I say to Son, “I know you don’t like it when we argue and I’m sorry.” He says, “Why do you get Dad riled up? You know he is a finance guy and spends a lot of his time making spreadsheets and xls documents.” As I listen to the wise words of my son, I busy myself picking up laundry on his floor while he plays Xbox and we continue the talk. I admit I don’t understand finances and I tell him that in a marriage, couples balance each other by taking on the areas they are good at and allowing the other spouse to take care of other things. Son tells me I should at least try to listen to him and look at the budget. Son says, “I hate it when you argue.” I ask, “Don’t you think all couples argue?” Because to me the fight with Husband was nowhere near as bad as the way my parents fought. Son surprises me by answering, “When you and dad argue it is much worse than other parents.” This gives me pause. Wow, I feel like I hold back and remain calm during the fights. Son continues, “You egg him on by the things you say and how you say it.” I tell Son, “I will go and talk to Dad right now and learn all about his financial plan and our budget.” He seems pleased and puts his Turtle Beach headphones back on as I carry the laundry basket out of his bedroom.
My eleven-year-old is not as sensitive and, as I walk by him on my way to Husband’s office, I joke, “Wish me luck as I go learn all about our exciting finances.” Son 2 says, “Have fun. I’ll see you in 3 hours.” He and I smile knowing this is not far from the truth.
I pour myself a rather large glass of Pinot Grigio and head to Husband’s office. (The tidbit about the glass of wine is not really part of the story except, in a way it is. I recognize I depend on alcohol to cope but that’s a whole other post). There Husband sits, in front of a giant flat screen, working on a self-assessment for work. Husband is pleased I’m there and gives me the full tour of everything, from tax bills, our paperless accounts, his retirement plan, our projected social security income and how many more years he must work in order for us to retire comfortably. When he shows me how little I contribute I get defensive and feel like a non-essential member of this family, in fact I feel insignificant in every way. (I do work but nobody could live on the social security I will receive at retirement).
My self-loathing is pervasive and I say something depressing about how little I contribute. He immediately gets angry and says, “I’m not saying that so if you want to go there that’s all in your head.” He knows me too well. I am the queen of feeling bad for myself. I explain that my mom always wanted me to be more than I am and I feel depressed looking at those numbers because it shows just how worthless my life is.” Husband says, “If you want to get a higher paying job, go ahead but that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just showing you what we have right now.” He takes all of the emotion out of it and so I stop my pity-party while he continues to discuss the giant spread sheet on his flat-screen.
The bottom-line is he wants to live debt-free and we spend way too much on sports, compared to the amount allocated for that line item on the budget. I take responsibility for my part in loving all things sports and getting my boys into every opportunity that comes up. Husband points out Son 1 didn’t have to participate in the winter training, for which I recently wrote a check for $540. This option hadn’t occurred to me until now. I say, “Fine, I will tell Son 1 that this is his last year with a club soccer team (where the fees are outrageous – close to 2 grand a year). Husband tells me not to do that – it will give him nothing to strive for this coming spring (which we already paid for). Then I tell Husband Son 2 wants to join a club basketball team. Now, instead of saying no, he says, “Son 2 needs something like that” and tells me I should look into it. WTF? Where will that money come from, Mr. Financial Wizard?” (Excuse my sarcasm but I couldn’t help it.)
About an hour later, with his anger diffused, I manage to cut him short and go toward the office door. Husband is visibly relieved after sharing everything that’s been on his mind. I, conversely, feel like crap. My fervent hope is that once the kids are grown I die first so he can have his carefully planned retirement and I won’t have to be a burden. I say something about how I will tell the children we made-up and he says, “Not completely yet.” He gets out of his office chair and hugs and kisses me. I go through the motions but I am emotionally shut-down. I feel like a useless human being that nobody could really want to love and be with and all I want is to get away.
I tell the kids I talked with their father and everything is okay now. Then, I go to my own office and try to stay in the moment. I recognize that my inner-critic is coming down hard. I feel my old pattern of self-blame and become aware I don’t feel worthy of all that my husband does to support me and the children. I barely feel like I’m worth a dime. I recognize how awful it feels to encumber myself with these negative thoughts. But I also know that my feelings are real. Not realistic but nonetheless, real. I consciously release them and turn my focus to right now. The good things I do have. My marriage of (almost) 24 years. The love my husband and I have for each other. Our wonderful children. I see how I contribute to the household. I am worthy of having a good man who loves me. I don’t need to carry around old stories that just sabotage my self-image
I must appreciate and be grateful for who I am. These baby steps of self-awareness are monumental in terms of the long-term benefits. If I can re-learn how I think of myself, life will be good.