No major breakthroughs since I last wrote. I see myself as slowly evolving and, regrettably, few forward steps took place in the last week.
I again went to visit my mother to help her post-operative and this time I brought my 11-year-old and I chose to stay in a nearby hotel. Mom was disappointed and said, “I wanted you to make me breakfast in the morning.”
My reaction, which I did not express was, where’s I want to spend more time with you? It was nowhere because that would require her to think beyond herself. (Daylily—check yourself on the negative thoughts!)
My son said to me, as we drove off to our hotel after dinner, “I want to get up early and go back to Grandma’s to make her breakfast.”
Didn’t I feel like an asshole? Who is the selfish one now? Me, who was only thinking of my needs when my mom is scarcely able to walk. Sometimes it takes a person who is not enmeshed in the psycho-dynamics of a relationship to see the picture more clearly.
So, the next morning my son and I brought Grandma breakfast from the hotel’s buffet. Mom enjoyed the donut while Grandpa ate the hard-boiled egg, sausage and bagel.
You may find this hard to believe but my brother, the perpetrator of incest upon my prepubescent body, went off with my son and Grandpa for a day of fun while I stayed back at the house with my mom. My ability to accept my brother’s apology, the sincerity in which he confessed to me and went to counseling with his pastor, leaves me confident he will not harm my son. Of course, my son is not an 11-year-old-girl and my boy was also with Grandpa. But, I wasn’t in a panic so I feel good about moving-on and letting the past go. I haven’t forgotten it but the traumatic events no longer have their hold on me.
Upon returning from my trip, house guests arrived from my husband’s side of the family and they stayed for the weekend. Our nephew is 32-years-old and drinks beer like a freakin’ fish*. The first night he drank a dozen beers and then, in the morning, he went to the local liquor store and bought more beer and began drinking before lunch.
I make it a habit to never drink before the acceptable “cocktail hour,” between 5 and 6 pm. I – in no way – want to begin the day with the hair of the dog that bit me.* (The only times I’ve had a drink early in the day is on deep-sea fishing excursions where it feels like time stops and it’s just you, the ocean and the sky.) Our guests were lounging by my pool all day and possibly this nephew feels the same about pools as I do about the ocean…but I doubt it. Husband and I discussed his excessive drinking and worried that he is following in his father’s and grandfather’s footsteps. There is alcoholism on my nephew’s side of the family (not on my husband’s side but the in-laws.) We worry if he doesn’t get intervention it’s not going to end well for him.
Well, my point is, when I see someone overtly abuse alcohol, it concerns me. I know I will never be that person because I have so many boundaries around my drinking. When I over-indulge, it’s private and self-destructive. I don’t socialize/drive or go out partying. But, I still admit it feels like a problem because I use it as a poor coping mechanism.
My two books from Amazon arrived (plus a fiction for when I have time to kill*). I have been reading the book about narcissistic mothers and I’m seeing a lot of my mother but it’s not completely ringing a bell* for how my mom and I relate to each other.
I never wrote my “vision of wellness” that I mentioned in my last post. I’m standing in stagnant waters* and not making progress. I really should write that.
I give myself credit that I’m thinking hard about my intentions to heal and I’m preparing for the day when I stop using wine as a crutch*. I am the type that needs time to intellectually prepare for change, time to psych myself up for success. If I fail, I will have trouble forgiving myself so it’s best to get all of my ducks in a row.*
I saw Lynn and she and I discussed triggers that cause me to block out painful emotions with wine. She agreed that any feelings outside of the norm cause me to doubt myself and self-criticize. I do not handle emotionally-packed situations without remaining completely calm and in-the-head. I’m all intellect. Then when I’m in private, and the emotionally-charged event/activity has ended, I don’t have the skills to manage the psychological aftermath. I usually have no idea what I feel, except I dislike experiencing anything negative — it makes life feel out of my control. I need to be in charge of my response to a situation and when a monkey wrench gets thrown into my plans* I suffer later. As I said, I handle the moment with poised perfection but the shit hits the fan* when the dust settles*. That’s when I wait until the acceptable hour and drink to continue to blot out the emotions of the day. I just don’t think AA will fix this problem. I need to recognize my emotions and express them appropriately. That means learning self-acceptance. When I put it like that, it’s fucked-up really. I apologize for the harshness of my language but it is the best description for when I’m overwhelmed and not sure how I feel or how to proceed, such as now, as I write.
Okay this is spiraling downward* and we’ve had enough idioms for one post. ♥ –Daylily