Who am I?

I’m a female, age 50,  married with 2 kids.  I’ve battled depression my entire life but I didn’t recognize and accept that I needed medication until my 30’s.  Up until then, I saw a number of helpful therapists and worked very hard on my psychological self but I lived in a state of denial about how bad I truly felt.

I’m well-educated and consider myself perceptive and knowledgeable about depression.  I’ve come to understand and accept the causes are childhood sexual abuse and the dynamics of my childhood.  I am learning to not hide in shame.

I’ve taken a multitude of SSRI’s and every professional tells me “you’ll be on antidepressants for the rest of your life.”   I recently challenged that assertion and tried to get off all antidepressants because  no drug has been a miracle cure.

I quickly learned that the experts are right, I will need medication for the rest of my life.  Within 1 month of weaning off Pristiq, the symptoms of depression returned in full force.  I now believe much of my negative thought processes and ruminations are a chemical imbalance of serotonin and norepinephrine in my brain.  I really had hoped against all odds that all of the  psychotherapy, meditation and soul-searching I’ve done had taught me how to acknowledge, accept and express my feelings more appropriately so when I withdrew from antidepressants I could manage the negative thoughts and feelings.

However, I refuse to believe it’s all medication driven.  I continue to want control over depression and — even though I do take 3 medications — I am also driven to overcome a pervasive sense of unworthiness.  What better time to work on that than when my depression is being treated properly?

So, that’s where I am in life right now.  I’m on a journey of healing — trying to quiet my inner critic and the deluge of self-judgements by learning to live with self-compassion and mindfulness.

If you are just finding my blog here is a link to my very first public post on WordPress (or anywhere).

May 2013 UPDATE — In January I stopped drinking alcohol and I started a new blog. http://www.emotionaldrinkingdotcom.wordpress.com

I have more followers and get a lot more visitors on my depression blog but I’m not in blogging for attention. I use writing as a way to express my thoughts and feelings — the added bonus is sometimes other people can relate to my struggles.

March 2014 UPDATE — My new blog has surpassed this blog in visitors and comments. Does that mean there are more alcoholics than depressives? Who’s to say? I don’t write for notoriety so it matters not.

23 responses to “Who am I?

  1. Hang in there – I think you are brave to be ‘out there’ about depression.

  2. strugglingwithbipolar

    I just wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a Liebster Blog Award. Here are the instructions for being a recipient:

    • Hey, thanks! I’m not sure what that means except we made a connection with each other. For that, I’m happy. You are a beautiful woman who deserves great things. I’m going to continue to follow your blog and root you on.

  3. Thanks for visiting my blog, following and leaving such a lovely comment…

    • You are welcome. Your post touched me deeply and I see what a caring man you must be to write such a beautiful letter to your unborn child. You are going to be a great father, this I know. –Daylily

    • Hi, Dr. Jenner. I wrote a post that connected to your blog. Please visit and I thank you for reminding me of the strong love we have for our children. It’s a love like no other — Daylily

  4. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences for me to sit and listen and learn from, to know how to effectively and compassionately love and care for people in situations similar to yours. And I also saw an awesome post you left on another blog that led me to yours. It was such a wonderful and excellent comment. Many blessings and peace to you, sister.

  5. I sooo like reading your blog. Although I have a lot to catch up on. lol Preciate you sharing. It’s easier when you know you’re not the only one. I’d like to stay on this journey with you. 🙂

  6. I love your blog already and have just read this. Yes, probably medication for the rest of your life. That was my verdict, too. And I have tried almost everything.

    • Thanks for your comments. Yes, I am (reluctantly) accepting the fact that I need antidepressants. Without them, negative thoughts prevail and I can barely function in the real world. With medication, the negative ruminations settle and I can have positive relations with others.

  7. Have you read any of Eric Maisel’s work? You might like it.

    • I googled him and was overwhelmed by his 40 (?) books. What would you recommend as a starting point? Thank you for your suggestions — I do love to read.

      • That’s a tough one. He’s got a new one out on depression that you might like. That man is nothing if not prolific. He also has a blog on Psychology Today, but he is really doing some interesting work on reframing depression. His new book on depression is about that. i can’t remember the title, but look for his newer publications. He has spent his life working with creative people. Also? David Schnarch and The Passionate Marriage. OMG…that book? Freaking phenomenal.

      • Thank you! I will look into all of them. The Passionate Marriage? Just the title alone seems like a long shot after a long marriage such as mine. Love, comfort, predictability — yes; but passion? That’s pushing it!

      • Oh, I know, I know, but it’s a lot more than that. It is one of the best books about personal development I’ve ever read. I haven’t even finished it it was so rich, but, to be completely honest, because of my experience with abduction/trafficking, I have struggled terribly with anorgasmia. And, he does go into anorgasmia in this book. I was on the edge of my seat reading, and it was empowering. Also? His thesis? You hit your peak in your 60s. It gave me so much hope since we live in a culture that equates sexual vigor with youth. I can’t recommend it enough. It has brought me hope, healing, and a new sense of direction in my own personal development.

      • Sounds like a good book. I can see how women could peak later in life but my husband has, how shall I put this nicely, erectile issues due to his HBP medicine. I still want to read the book because there are always ways to circumvent sexual issues and have a mutually pleasurable experience.

  8. Hi, Daylily. I’ve nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Your mission, should you choose to accept, can be found here: http://versatilebloggeraward.wordpress.com/ I really enjoy your writing and look forward to more.


  9. I have a great appreciation for your journey, as I’m on a very similar one. I’ll be following!

  10. Just found your blog- so brave and raw. I relate to much of it- I too have battled chronic depression and myself have battled various addictions- for me it all goes back to childhood as well and the abandonment of my mother when I was 8 and the PTSD that resulted and thus the ways I ended up coping and numbing. I too believe I’m a ‘lifer’ on medication- I’m on four fairly high doses right now. Anyway- just wanted to say I’m glad I found your blog- look forward to reading more! Keep up the great recovery work! I know it’s hard- one day at a time!

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