I’m a female, age 50, married with 2 kids. I’ve battled depression my entire life but I didn’t recognize and accept that I needed medication until my 30’s. Up until then, I saw a number of helpful therapists and worked very hard on my psychological self but I lived in a state of denial about how bad I truly felt.
I’m well-educated and consider myself perceptive and knowledgeable about depression. I’ve come to understand and accept the causes are childhood sexual abuse and the dynamics of my childhood. I am learning to not hide in shame.
I’ve taken a multitude of SSRI’s and every professional tells me “you’ll be on antidepressants for the rest of your life.” I recently challenged that assertion and tried to get off all antidepressants because no drug has been a miracle cure.
I quickly learned that the experts are right, I will need medication for the rest of my life. Within 1 month of weaning off Pristiq, the symptoms of depression returned in full force. I now believe much of my negative thought processes and ruminations are a chemical imbalance of serotonin and norepinephrine in my brain. I really had hoped against all odds that all of the psychotherapy, meditation and soul-searching I’ve done had taught me how to acknowledge, accept and express my feelings more appropriately so when I withdrew from antidepressants I could manage the negative thoughts and feelings.
However, I refuse to believe it’s all medication driven. I continue to want control over depression and — even though I do take 3 medications — I am also driven to overcome a pervasive sense of unworthiness. What better time to work on that than when my depression is being treated properly?
So, that’s where I am in life right now. I’m on a journey of healing — trying to quiet my inner critic and the deluge of self-judgements by learning to live with self-compassion and mindfulness.
If you are just finding my blog here is a link to my very first public post on WordPress (or anywhere).
May 2013 UPDATE — In January I stopped drinking alcohol and I started a new blog. http://www.emotionaldrinkingdotcom.wordpress.com
I have more followers and get a lot more visitors on my depression blog but I’m not in blogging for attention. I use writing as a way to express my thoughts and feelings — the added bonus is sometimes other people can relate to my struggles.
March 2014 UPDATE — My new blog has surpassed this blog in visitors and comments. Does that mean there are more alcoholics than depressives? Who’s to say? I don’t write for notoriety so it matters not.