I made a decision to not drink as a way to treat my depression and high blood pressure. By the looks of things, with over one hundred days sober, you might think I’m doing well. I’m not. Every imaginable self-defeating thought bombards me and I can’t get away from my inner critic. It’s not easy giving up a vice that I used as a way to control the negative thoughts pounding in my brain. In fact, I really miss drinking wine — it gave me a reprieve from myself.
I’m on-again/of- again with the AA program because I have difficulty looking at my defects and making positive changes. Tonight the AA meeting was about “making amends” to those I’ve harmed. Truthfully, I was a boring drunk. I stayed home and drank quietly before flopping into my bed. Aside from hurting my husband and kids for not being fully present in mind and spirit, I don’t see a whole lot of damage. I didn’t call people; I rarely went out when I was drinking so I pretty much kept it hidden from everyone.
The AA meeting got me thinking of what amends to make and this is what my twisted mind came up with. I stole from my brother’s coin collection when I was younger. I also totaled the car he was supposed to get from my mother for his college graduation. This brother did worse crimes to me, sexually molesting me when I was around age 8-11. He still brings up how valuable his coins would have been if I hadn’t spent them at the penny candy store. I feel anger and resentment that he has such nerve to bring up what I did to him; but, I also carry regret and shame that I’m guilty of stealing and destroying his things. Instead of rightfully directing my anger at him, I turn it inward where it can fester and grow into depression.
Do you see my problem? I’m supposed to make amends to become a more honest person but the amends I come up with are toward a sexual predator. Isn’t there something wrong with this fucking picture?
This is why I can’t go deep into the AA steps. I turn against myself; a habit learned long ago when I couldn’t depend on anyone to help me. At AA meetings there’s a lot of time to self-analyze and berate myself; and no one is qualified to set my thinking straight. This mental work is best done with a therapist and thank god I have one.
It’s late, I’m tired, and I know this post didn’t make a clear point. It’s a snap shot of how confusing it is to be me, a woman who suffers with depression, alcohol addiction and the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse.
♥ Daylily ♥