Lynn lowered the Celexa from 20 mgs to 10 mgs and within a month I felt depression lurking. Oddly, I was clear-headed and “normal” for about a week while the medication slowly left my system. This phenomenon has happened enough times that I’m certain others have been on this merry-go-round.
It starts with taking an antidepressant and as the ride goes up I begin to feel some relief. When I get to the top, along with relief comes the negative side effects that outweigh the good ones or my therapist and I feel I’ve spent enough time at the top with medications and decide to withdraw me from the meds and see if the ride can continue on its own. Will my brain be able to balance its chemicals properly? I hopefully believe maybe I’ll stay on top and the medication’s side effects will go down. For me, there’s a brief period where it looks like that’s going to happen – I’m on top of the world! Look, Mom, no antidepressants. I’m back to myself again. I have normal emotions and the negative ones aren’t over powering all the others. Then, every damn time, I begin the decent. It’s happening as I write. My emotions are morphing from contentment and acceptance to displeasure and a feeling of rejection with myself.
This time I don’t have alcohol in my system so I’m not self-medicating and the experience is all the more real. In fact I think this is a first! Depression without alcohol. Man, does it suck.
About a year ago I told my therapist I need to treat my depression in order to stop drinking but she said I need to stop drinking to treat my depression. Here is what my therapist said: “Your drinking is the big elephant sitting in the room.”
I don’t disagree with her analysis but who wants to live constantly aware of the elephant. Not I. I want a glass of wine to dull the awareness of my depression and forget about the actual depression.
A couple of days ago, I called Lynn and she suggested we increase the medication to 15 mgs and see if the side effects and the depression both lessen and I find a happy medium. While I wait for the meds to kick in I’m sleeping a lot and eating more chocolate than I should. I am also guilty of taking an extra clonazepam (Klonopin) last night. But at least I waited 5 hours between doses and, more importantly, I didn’t drink.
I’m committed to getting my mental state under control without abusing alcohol. No more drinking to numb out.
Sorry for all of the metaphors. I’m not sure what’s up with that!