Admittedly, I am one of those people who doesn’t look any different from anyone else but my inability to stop abusing alcohol makes me a person that needs some kind of help. I feel like it’s love, empathy and support that I need but my therapist is acting indifferent and tough. It may be the right tactic but it feels wrong and hurts. I want to push her away and isolate myself.
I know the therapeutic relationship mimics my personal relationships outside of therapy and I don’t know how to get help from someone who portrays themselves as indifferent. To help understand, a total lack of affect and an abundance of intellect is my family of origin. How can I heal within a relationship that feels so similar to my upbringing, where I hid my feelings from powerful, intelligent people.
As a survivor of CSA I battle the inner demons of self-hate and a sense of not deserving anything good. I am dumbfounded as to find something inside me that believes I should recover just because I’m worth it.
This leads to my question: How can a person like me, who feels completely inadequate, trust her therapist and be able to get the help she needs? This is a major road block to my success. I want to enhance my sense of self which in turn will fuel the desire to stop drinking alcohol for my own good. Is this thinking backward?
My therapist says I must first stop drinking because it is the elephant in the room. Sounds logical to a person with inner resources but sounds like jumping from a plane without a parachute for a person who lacks self-worthiness.