Shop for lingerie

What’s a better pick-me-up? I’ve been riddled with depression, anxiety, feelings of shame, anger, and guilt; really, you name an emotion that attacks from the inside and I’ve been feeling it.

Tonight I went to the mall and bought myself a present: panties, bras and camisoles. And no cheap Hanes briefs from Wal-Mart (which I wear everyday so don’t get me wrong about that). My recent weight loss boosted my self-image and I don’t feel like an obese sea cow swimming in the lingerie department. I went all out and bought the softest Jockey panties and camisoles I’ve ever felt. No, they aren’t satin and lace or very sexy but they are stylish and comfortably cotton. I know I will feel happier tomorrow just knowing I did something nice for myself.

My mood was so low today that I almost shut down my blog and cut myself off from my therapist. The only way I can explain it is when I feel judged or criticized I get defensive. For some reason when others are disappointed in me I take on their condemnation as my own. I feel utterly worthless and push others away because I’m not worth their worry or care. The pattern goes like this: someone I trust hates a behavior of mine; I can’t change it so I hate myself equally as much.

I woke up feeling so bad I fantasized about suicide. I thought just get me the fuck out of this world. I didn’t plan anything or take the idea any further than wishing I wasn’t alive.

I called Lynn, my therapist, and we talked things out. She made me realize that I focused on one tiny part of our session and blew it way out of proportion. Lynn assured me she is committed to working with me. She observed that all of my relationships have the same dynamics and if I work on how I feel with her I am helping my other relationships too. She’s right.   I can get so stuck in inner turmoil.   The conversation was pretty long and it helped to be able to express myself to someone who was reassuring. I won’t go into the whole binge drinking thing except to say she explained her position a little better and I understand where she’s coming from. First of all, I did choose a therapist who is a prescribing doctor so of course that person would be concerned if I mix alcohol with her medications. What really made me see her point was after I asked “Would you tell a patient who self-harmed through bulimia or cutting to just stop the behavior?” Her answer was, “Alcohol is a form of medication and I am a prescribing therapist. I have a responsibility to be concerned about mixing the two.” I calmed down after that and said, “I can understand that.”

What I know is this blog is about my depression. Lynn has her eye on that when I lose my focus. Of course, she’s right that I’ll never be well until I stop drinking. It does not mix well with my medication nor help my depression.

My perspective is slowly changing.


3 responses to “Shop for lingerie

  1. The fact that you called Lynn to talk rather than isolating sounds like a big step. I’m really glad you didn’t shut down your blog. I would have missed reading your posts.

    Oh-so-soft lingerie. Well-deserved pampering.

  2. Oh, this is tough stuff. I have struggled with personalizing other’s remarks in the past, too. One statement meant to be specific gets applied, in my mind, as a blanket statement to my entire personhood, and then I engage in splitting, something I’m sure I learned from my mother. It took the observation of a friend who once said, “You know, I see you think that someone is great, and then you seem to think that they are all bad after one mistake or offense. Do you know that you do that?” I was shocked. I couldn’t believe I was doing that, but I was. In my case, seeing that I was splitting helped me observe where the isolating was happening. If an ally becomes an enemy, then you want to get away from them. And, if one feels that one can’t make any “real friends”, then one feels alone. With those profound feelings of loneliness came an amplification of self-loathing, and then I just couldn’t see the truth of anything anymore. I was awash in toxicity. I don’t know if this will help, hinder, or anything at all. But, I have learned something that felt profound to me: Feelings of rejection blind us to what is true in our lives. When a therapist (who is an advocate for us and, thus, there is power differential), parent, spouse, or friend says or does something that causes feelings of rejection in us, we are immediately blinded to certain truths. I have experienced this over and over again. t was lamenting this very thing in a therapy session with my own therapist years ago (he was a truly gifted man). I was dealing with issues concerning my mother (who has borderline personality disorder), and I was deeply hurt by her actions. I told my therapist that she could not see all the opportunities for relationship in her own life because she was so blinded by the original rejection in her life from being put up for adoption by her birth mother. She was still so hurt that she continually missed the offerings of love and relationship surrounding her. My therapist looked at me and said, “You are doing the same thing.” I was gobsmacked. He let me make the connections, but he was right. I immediately said, “I think that rejection–even in its smallest form–blinds us.” He agreed. We can reject ourselves, too–the parts of ourselves that we don’t like or that remind us of a parent that has hurt us and don’t want to be like in any way. So, what begins as a rejection of the self can turn into self-loathing and, thus, quickly into self-destruction. And, it’s a house of cards because it’s all so precariously balanced. It just takes one remark or directed statement meant to better us to pull the entire house down.

    All this is to say that I understand how hard the therapeutic process is, but good for you for sticking to it and NOT giving in to the maelstrom of negativity that took you over. That was a good work.

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