My therapist confirmed that I was exhibiting classic symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) during the “Radical Forgiveness” workshop I attended. I guess I put myself too far out on a limb and was dangling by a twig. I had no way to protect my mind from the onslaught of feelings that got stirred up and I resorted to what I know, to disassociate and shut down. I told Lynn I can’t remember what I said. What others said. What I was supposed to say. I can’t remember the names of anyone (including the leader) although I said their names many times in the workshop. href=”https://mydepressionchronicles.wordpress.com/2012/10/25/2188/”>
“Radical anything should have been a red flag,” said Lynn. “Yes,” I agreed. “But I wanted to practice mindfulness and be aware of my negative thoughts toward myself in order to move on.”
Lynn told me, “You know what your problem is.”
Hmm? I am wondering what a person does if they know what the issue is –poor self-image, self-protectiveness skills in abundance and a facade that no one sees through.
I am trying too hard to fix my psyche. I think I know what I need to do. Share my issues with safe people, open up to my feelings, get healthy in mind and spirit through exercise and meditation. I’m doing all of that but the acronym PTSD keeps popping up in my thoughts and scaring me. I fear my own feelings. I shut down with my own thoughts. My coping skills are to not deal with raw emotions. I dissociate. I also drink to escape.
Sometimes, I am strong and can deal with this vision of my life. Since my medications were increased I was doing well but then I saw my therapist. She spoke words that I haven’t heard in years. Back 25 years ago, when I was working on sexual abuse issues, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I thought that was in the past.
I wonder what Lynn thinks of me now that she recognizes the depth of my issues. PTSD is not small potatoes. It’s overwhelming and I don’t quite know where I stand right now.
There is this general feeling that my whole life is a fake out. Every “intellectual” interaction is blocking my true self.
Of course, that can’t be true. My mind is playing evil tricks on me. It’s those stories my narrative self has taught me along the way. I blame myself rather than seeing things as they are.
Since I saw my therapist, I have not been able to meditate. I feel no peace. I have been preaching about mindfulness but I’m unable to find that stillness in my brain.
I will stay focused on the goal, which is to accept all of me and see that my thoughts are not me they are stories I’ve told myself.
But, again, I must ask, what do I do when the stories take over and feel so real?
♥ Daylily, who apologizes for this unedited post. I know it’s all over the place and I sound mixed-up. To try and intellectualize my feelings would be one more attempt at a fake out. This blog is the real me and right now I do feel confused. ♥