One week ago today my therapist increased my SSRI, Celexa, from 10 mg to 20 mg. The effects are obvious. My worries have been lifted. Not kidding. Peace has befallen me and it didn’t come about from mindful meditation, exercise, cutting back on my drinking or weight loss. All it took was a little white pill that’s smaller than the eraser at the end of a pencil.
I’m reminded of my “about” page where I assert my depression is no more than a chemical imbalance of neurotransmitters. For a bit, I lost sight of that belief. My effort at changing thought patterns required me to look hard at my negative thinking and that in itself caused a spiral downward into depression.
I’m a bit worried because this time was the worse yet. I gave into a sense of helplessness like never before. But, on the flip-side, for years I’ve envied people with mental illness who are able to express themselves and put it all on the table. I’ve lived a closeted life of depression and it’s been quite isolating.
Last Monday was a first; I exposed that part of me to a few close people in my life and I felt embraced and supported. I feel liberated! It feels like a miracle has taken place.
In-a-nutshell, I do not feel anxious about anything. I am my calm, rational, even-keel self. When I was on Paxil I enjoyed this feeling for about 3 years before I got tired of the weight gain and lack of sex drive. Let’s not go there!
For now, I will enjoy the calm waters. I need a break from the turbulent ocean I’ve been crashing around in.
“Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.” Ralph Waldo Emerson