Intimacy

My husband told me, “You don’t know how to be intimate.”

We’ve been married 23 years, together for 30.

How could he say that to me?

Last night he wanted a sexual encounter and I pushed him off.  I complained about this and that, including personal attacks on his performance since he got on high blood pressure medications.  He was hurt and left the bed.  That’s when he stated, “You don’t know how to be intimate.”

I was already in a funk of self-hate but his observation made me feel worse.

He’s right, I am a miserable excuse for a wife.

He’s been mad for days because I’m not cooking full meals.  I have no appetite and I lack any interest in food.   Sadness is all-encompassing at how much of a sucky wife I am. I hate that I feel disconnected and distant.

When my husband left the bed I wanted to get up and leave the house.  Not only do I want to avoid intimacy, I want to avoid all contact where there is an expectation of me to be someone for somebody else — wife, mother, daughter, sister.  It’s too much and I want to be alone where I can’t disappoint others.

Somehow, my recent attempt to focus on self-forgiveness and learning not to listen to the conditioned stories of my childhood has totally backfired.  My life sucks right now but no one else is different.  It’s just me — alone — and blaming myself.  I’m stuck in a rerun of my past that I can’t shake.

The shame and self-hate is more than I can take.  I wish I were anywhere but where I am right now.  ♥Daylily

10 responses to “Intimacy

  1. Hey, we’ve been there. It’s hard, when you get down in a rut and nothing seems good anymore. Nothing fills you, nothing seems worth while, not even the things which made us so happy once-upon-a-time. There aren’t many worse things, but there is good news:

    It gets better.

    It’ll take some time and work. Maybe counselling, or yoga, or having things get worse, but there will come a point where you start seeing progress. It will be slow, frustratingly slow, and you will fall back sometimes. You’ll want to beat yourself up, ask why you can’t just “do it” and get over yourself. Be strong and stable like you want to be. Just smile and be okay.

    It doesn’t work like that, though, not at first. And untangling hurt relationships will take some time, but take small steps. Work toward small goals, and celebrate them. Let yourself be imperfect, knowing that you will try to do a little bit better tomorrow. Find people who understand and will support you. And you’ll make it.

    Take it from someone who walked through depression for most of his life.

    • Hey, thanks for commenting. It’s 12 hours later and I was afraid to come to my blog because the reality of my words still sting.

      I do go to therapy, I am being treated with medication, I recently started mindfulness meditation and I’m taking a pilates yoga class. I’m doing the work.

      I will take your suggestion and keep acting strong and stable even though I feel my insides crumbling.

      Thanks –Daylily

  2. Daylilly, it takes two to tango. No one is completely at fault. Have you considered talking with a minister or a therapist? I think you’re too down on yourself to get in touch with the good in you and a third objective viewpoint might help you see things more clearly.

    • Thanks for reaching out to me. Right now I am too down on myself to see anything clearly. This is for sure! I see a therapist but she has been away for 3 weeks and mostly our focus is on breaking my bad habits and making myself miraculously better. Even thinking about therapy makes me feel bad because I’m not that great at putting myself out there to get help. Thanks for your comments, it does feel better to not be completely alone when I feel this bad. — Daylily

  3. Oh, sweet Daylily. I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. Try to be easy on yourself. It’s hard when people want us to be more than we feel we can give…sending you lots of care. 🙂

  4. It’s hard to get past our past, isn’t it? I too am stuck in my past. Mistakes I have made, people I have hurt. I do know we can move past but like you, I need to learn how.

    I am sorry that this is a very down time for you. But this too shall pass. Your family loves you and will support you. Remember to let them do so. Sometimes in our self hate we can push away any attempts at help.

    That alone feeling is the worst. I can be in a room full of people that I know love and care for me but that nasty little voice in my head keeps telling me that I am alone. That none of them actually care, how could they when I am so worthless.

    I don’t have answers but I can offer support and what limited wisdom I have. I cannot relate to every terrible thing that has been done to you. I do know it is not your fault and others deserve the blame, not you.

    Above all, remember, you are not alone. There are tons of us out there struggling through many of the same issues.

    • Thank you for reaching out to me. Your reply brought tears to my eyes because your description is quite apt. I do feel alone in a house full of people that love me. Appreciate you reaching out — Daylily

  5. Yes that’s how I feel. Like Hubby deserves a better wife. And it doesn’t matter he says, when in the grips of that deep down self hate, I still turn off, go numb, and yes, even get nasty and attack him unfairly. And then feel guilty and use that as proof that I am terrible. I understand wanting to be alone, to not let anyone down. But it isn’t real. Even if I don’t feel it, I have to believe it isn’t real. We really do matter, and we really are loved.

    • Yes, you are so right. It isn’t real. This feeling is totally constructed out of my past by stories I’ve told myself for so long that now I can’t break them.

      Maybe I need to feel this low to begin to fight the patterns of my past. I don’t know. – Daylily

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