A succinct post is in order due to my limiting sense of self-disclosure. I’m struggling with inner-demons and can’t reach out to my followers.
The basic issue I’m dealing with is self-forgiveness. About 2 weeks ago I took a women’s retreat workshop regarding “radical forgiveness.” My intent was to expose my inner issues and through this vulnerability I would begin to heal *thyself*.
I’m compelled to state in an expletive manner that I totally put myself out there at the workshop. The process required close contact with others, verbal recognition of other women’s pain and an intense focus on my inner issues. My goal was to forgive myself for self-blame/self-hate/self-depreciating thoughts. Perhaps that was not such a good idea because the class focused on forgiveness of people and behaviors and here I was berating myself. After having paid and showed up, I went through the motions; but, half-way through, I wanted to get the fuck out of there. I was way-out of my comfort zone.
In the end, I did it. I expressed long-buried issues and the other participants supported me and offered understanding. It should have/could have been a healing experience but putting myself on the edge caused me to retreat into old patterns of avoidance and self-protectiveness.
I don’t like feeling stuck in this place of isolation but what can I do?
I wrote the facilitator of the workshop and she was kind and helpful but it’s as if I need to pay for a consultation to carry on the work and so, I have not responded to her concerns. (Gotta love the internet and how even our inner work costs money). My therapist is away for a month and I have begun to detach and forget the progress Lynn and I were making.
The one positive thing I’ve done is join a health club. I went last week and then again this week. I continue to meditate and practice mindfulness in an attempt at finding inner peace. I wish there were more words for these healthy choices but right now I feel brain-dead. I’m working toward something better, going through the expected motions, but my emotions are shut down. I am beating myself up that the “radical forgiveness” class has me stuck in an avoidance pattern.
BIG SIGH. Somehow, I must be making progress even if it does not feel like it…