Breaking away from self-hate

My blog is a bit quiet lately because I am digging deep into my unconscious attitude in order to find the source of my pain and suffering. I know the answer lies within me and I’m on a mission to expose my pain in order to stop living under the veil of a sense of negative self-worth. I must dis-identify from the self I’ve created through “stories” I made up during a painful childhood of sexual abuse and misunderstandings. I created a self that feels unworthy and inadequate but, there is the real me, whole and perfect, just lying in waiting for me to rediscover.

Mindfulness meditation and therapy are my tickets to this place of rediscovery. Unfortunately, the path to get there requires me to stare down the stories I’ve made up and recognize they are wrought with an unnecessary sense of dissatisfaction, longing and suffering. I’ve learned many bad habits that I must break. I tell myself I’m not worth it, that I’m different and that no one will ever understand me. This keeps me unable to truly love another person and leaves me stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy. My stories are self-limiting and I’ve had enough.

Mindfulness will allow me to see my pain with compassion and forgiveness. I am going to try to be a witness to it but not participate in its negative effects. Once I turn toward my suffering I believe I can better understand how I came to feel deficient. Ultimately, my goal is to live wholly in the moment and stop the negative behaviors of self-harm that have allowed me to be distracted from the recurring suffering I’ve learned to put upon myself.

These ideas are from a wonderful book, Living with Your Heart Wide Open (Stahl & Flowers).

Your heart may break, but it breaks open, and this is where the light shines through.

I’ve worked on a lot of issues in my life but never how I developed a sense of inadequacy and how this comes up in my daily life. This seems like the ultimate emotional work in order for me to realize the peace and happiness that has always been with me but that I’ve never had the privilege of feeling.

It’s going to be a long process that will be worth it in the end. For now, that’s all I can say. Daylily

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