Lest I forget, allow me this day to focus on the positive side of my journey toward healing. I actively seek help to become a more integrated person. Intellectually and socially I function fairly well in my professional and social life. My issue with drinking is after-hours — at home — where I use alcohol to numb feelings. I realize this strategy hurts me all over and I want to develop better coping skills. I also must stop drinking for my physical health because November of last year I was diagnosed with borderline hypertension. Ultimately, I seek to merge my emotional and spiritual self with my physical and social self. To me, this means the shit I pretend to be during the work hours and weekends before 6pm, I will be – and not act – for those other times. I must learn to let go of self-defeating thoughts and learn to love myself. Progress is slow but, admittedly, I am not young. I’m 49 years old and patterns are hard to change. I know my subconscious thoughts and ingrained behaviors are hard-wired. Determination and commitment are on my side and so, in my work toward this goal, I have to acknowledge I’ve made great strides.
My ambition was to follow-up with what I’m doing to make progress. Try as I might, it’s difficult to put down the good things when I’m seeing continuing negative behaviors and thoughts. (Read what you want between those lines). It doesn’t feel right to boast about this or that if ultimately I’m still using alcohol as a crutch. I will save part 2 of this post (which is in process) for when I feel celebratory. But, self-love, no matter how little, is important for me to recognize. My objective is to build my self-image from the bottom up and that means identifying the little stuff. For now, I will observe the progress I’ve made and offer myself comfort in knowing the hard work I’m doing is moving me in the right direction. ♥ Daylily
“He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.” Benjamin Franklin