Barely holding on to my resolve

When I don’t drink – how do I handle the stress of everyday life? What do I do instead of blocking my feelings with wine? That is the million dollar question.

My usual pattern is to suck it up/act intelligent/do the right thing/remain calm/play the part of a mentally balanced person by controlling all of my reactions through careful thought. I can only do this for so long and then… I need a drink.

There were weeks when I would drink every day. Lately I’ve shown progress by not drinking during my work week. But when the weekend comes all bets are off and I open a bottle of wine to decompress from the built up tension of the week.

I’m not saying its right; I’m just telling you the truth.

This week I told myself I would not even drink this weekend. I was going along fine, not a drop of alcohol since last Sunday, but Friday’s arrived. Now I don’t know how I can make it through without numbing my thoughts.

The meditations have been working great. I have more energy and I feel good because I’m sleeping well without alcohol in my system. But, last night Husband and I got into an argument at the dinner table and I was the one who reacted with anger and stormed out of the house. This is unheard of – it’s not characteristic of me at all. As I said, I remain calm and rational at all times. But, if I can’t drink to forget that I always suck-it-up and discount my feelings than the shit is going to hit-the-fan.

Thinking about this, my anger at Husband makes perfect sense. The triggers for my drinking are the husband, kids, chores and responsibilities at home. I don’t have any “me” time or at least it feels that way. (Of course, if I got off this computer I would probably find more time!) I have to look at these stressors for what they are, I feel pure rage. Rage that I keep locked inside.  What do I do when I’m staring down the triggers without my usual coping mechanism?

Anyway, when I stormed out of the house, I got in my car and sent a text to my teenager, “I know you don’t like when Mom or Dad get angry but no worries. I went to get gas and do a few things at work. I’ll be home by 9pm. Tell your brother, too.” He immediately replied to my message, “ok thx.” Then my son #2 called to ask me where his science test paper was. GRRRR! I can’t even get away when I storm out of the house. Of course, I put on my loving voice and gently explained that I did not know where HE put his test but suggested a few places he could look. He told me “Daddy wants to see my grades.” I’m thinking then why the fuck doesn’t Daddy get off his ass and find the test with you.

You get the idea. I was pissed off. I still am. I have no coping skills to deal with anger and conflict. All I know is to drink and blot it out.

A member at the AA meeting suggested I try to “think through the drink.” Which I guess is a way of facing the feelings head on and knowing the craving will pass. How can that work when the triggers will never pass? I will forever be stuck in this house with way too much to take care of. The desire for a drink may dissipate but I will be angry at the world. What good is that?

Well, I didn’t drink yet; I’ve just been contemplating it. It’s early in the afternoon and I am off to watch son #1’s varsity soccer game. Later on, husband has dinner plans with co-workers so maybe I can try to unwind by the mere fact that he’s not going to be around. I am taking a lot of this anger out on him (okay, all of it) because I don’t like to hurt my children and I know no other way to release it.

I am stuck in a bad place right now.


8 responses to “Barely holding on to my resolve

  1. It does sound like you are stuck, but you know the triggers, you have an idea on how to face it. Now you just need to hold on and I know you can do it. How do I know this, as we have never met? Because you are brave enough to put it out here for others to see and share your pain.

    You can do this.

    • Thanks for reading my blog and following along. Unfortunately, my blog is not a short story that ends happily ever after. I couldn’t hold on and I bought a bottle of wine and downed a quick drink. I wish I hadn’t but I can also be kind to myself and recognize that if I see the issues very clearly (I’m a total intellect!) than I can decipher and overcome them. Getting stuck and feeling like I have no parachute is a lesson learned. I need more support. I can’t go solo. I’m working on getting a support system. Thanks for caring!!!

  2. Daylily, *hug* I don’t know if this will help you but it helped me with a certain addictive behavior. Whenever I would get an urge to engage in the behavior and it felt like I had to do it or I would fall apart and explode all at once I would remind myself that I had made it x amount of days no matter what had happened and I could make it just a little longer because I had made it this far. Most times I would sometimes have to do that all day but sometimes it would be weeks. It would usually work. Also is there someone completely nonjudgmental you can talk to about about wanting to drink, the depression, and how you are feeling? I hope you feel better and I know you have no idea who I am but I have struggled with depression and know how hard it is so if you need/want to talk I’m happy to listen 🙂

    • I feel soothed by your words. Really. I so much appreciate hearing from someone who has struggled with addiction. In many ways — whether it’s with food, cutting, sex, exercise, drugs or alcohol — we must learn how to get through the urge.

      Unfortunately, I had wine tonight. But, I know what you mean. I need non-judgmental people I can call. That is my downfall. I play the role of “perfect wife and mother” and suffer alone. This is going to change.

      I feel bad about myself even admitting I lack such people in my life but many of us do. I know this and I recognize for my own growth and healing I need to reach outside of my home for support.

      Thank you so much for your encouragement. –Daylily

  3. Sending you lots of love. Sparrow

  4. Hey Daylily, my current situation is pretty stressful (redundancy and diminishing funds) and one of the things i’ve realised over the last 70-odd days is that it would be stressful whether i was drinking or not. Booze does not make the external stresses miraculously disappear. Choosing to not drink has made it so much easier to deal with life. Yep, i’m still worried and anxious, but i’m dealing with that head on and working through it. Alcohol creates anxiety and depression, and living without its toxic after effects makes life so much easier.
    You can do this xo

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