Saturday was a miserable night for me. I drank too much and cried while doing it. Usually drinking blocks my feelings but on this night I felt like a total fuck-up. I also took 2 Klonopin because I just didn’t give a shit. I wanted to be numb to my feelings. I tried to block out the disapproval I felt at my last session with Lynn. I felt she was judging me and I was disappointed in myself. For a long week I carried her words around and debated about whether to cancel my appointment for this Saturday. I’ve decided I will go and tell her I don’t feel supported. I will also admit that the progress I’m making with her feels slow and it’s disappointing. I blame myself and sitting in her office is painful because I must look and speak about my failings.
I apologize for the negativity that abounds in the beginning of this post. That was not my intent but it is my Truth as I’m living it.
I made an effort to do something good for myself on Sunday. I left behind my husband and kids and drove to the Natural Living Expo, which touts itself as being New England’s Largest Holistic Event. I was dressed in an old pair of jeans, a comfy t-shirt and barefoot in my topsiders, with my hair pulled completely back because I didn’t bother to shower before leaving. I was far enough away from home that I wouldn’t know anyone and I didn’t which was a relief because I looked like I felt. Very down, depressed and looking for answers.
I carefully observed the mystics, channelers, tarot readers and psychic mediums who offered everything from divine healing to spiritual guidance. Some looked like witches, others like gypsies and some like princesses. They all tried to draw me in offering a 15 minute reading from $20 all the way up to $45 (the higher-end offering a CD of her reading to take home). I didn’t see how they could feel my spiritual presence in a gigantic exposition hall and I wasn’t comfortable sitting in their tiny booth/table area practically knee to knee. Shit, I can barely stand my therapist’s huge office. Needless to say, I didn’t participate in a reading. I did go to a presentation by a healer who has written books and claims they are on the best seller list up there with Deepak Chopra’s books. She gave card readings to members in the audience but I wasn’t chosen. Secretly I was glad because her husband was taping the whole thing on his iPhone and I didn’t want to end up in any publicity. Not looking the way I did!
I tried to feel comforted by the herbs, gems, stones, jewelry and other frills that abounded. I walked about feeling empty and not receptive to the things that I saw. I heard people asking about how something could help them lead a better life; I saw people meditating and believing they were being healed with light, sound, massage and mystical words. But, I was a skeptic. I decided I knew what my issues were and so I wasn’t going to pay anyone else to tell me. But, I kept my options open and continued through 3 exhibit halls. Close to the last row I was to walk down I spied a woman who looked smart and friendly. Her table was simple. All I saw were CD’s with different names. I asked her to tell me about what she had. She said she offers hypnotic CD’s. She asked what the issue I was looking to work on was. I glanced to my right and saw a nosy guy eavesdropping on our conversation. My guard went up and I answered, “Depression.” She responded, “It’s never just about depression. Depression is the result of something. What is it that caused your depression?” I quickly answered, “Childhood issues.” The woman picked up a CD titled Transform “I’m Not Enough” (I’m Not Enough Beliefs– I’m Not Enough Suggestions). She told me the CD’s are hypnotherapy and will take me back to the time in my childhood when unhealthy thoughts developed. I’m not sure why but I trusted this woman and I asked, “Will I be scared?” She answered, “No you’ve already been through it once.” For $12 I walked away with the CD.
I copied the CD to my iPod and for the last 3 nights I’ve been listening to it in bed before I fall asleep. I have a collection of other meditation CD’s and put them all on a playlist. It’s time to find inner peace so that I can tackle my drinking. I drink when I’m stressed so I’m trying to live in a more mindful way. But, I’ve tried this direction before. Yoga, meditation, therapy, EFT – it never seems to stick and I end up falling back to my old ways. It’s been quite a few years since I actively meditated and I think it’s what I need to do. I must find the quiet place in me that is worthy. I want to feel good enough.
Lastly, on the same day I went to the expo, Sunday, I bought a book for my Kindle called Living with Your Heart Wide Open: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Free You from Unworthiness, Loneliness, and Shame. I hope this complements the meditation I’m beginning. I discovered the book on an upbeat blog I highly recommend http://mindfulbalance.org/recommended-reading/
I hope this is the right path for me to heal my sense of unworthiness. Undoubtedly, it would be nicer to live in this world liking myself rather than hearing voices from my childhood telling me I’m not enough. That path is getting old and tiresome and I’m ready to blaze a new trail. ♥Daylily