I will see Lynn again on Saturday and I desperately want to cancel my appointment. I feel that she doesn’t care about me because I don’t leave our sessions feeling built up and stronger. I walk out of therapy every week with a deeper sense of self-loathing. It seems like I’m talking about my problems and she is agreeing that they are indeed issues that I must deal with. When she asked me, Why do you self-sabotage? I felt bad that she has to point that out without following up with kindness or reassurance. Lynn talks about my drinking and tells me not to take the Klonopin if I drink. It’s as if she cares more about my behaviors than the reasons for my actions. How come she is so to-the-point and direct? I’m very hard on myself and I question the therapeutic relationship because I feel like this therapist is hard on me, too.
Am I seeing this clearly or are my thoughts distorted by my mental illness? Is the problem with me? Maybe I’m just mirroring how I feel when I see Lynn.
Or maybe Lynn really hates the sessions, too. I’ve been to many therapists and this is the first one that doesn’t ask me helpful questions that make me feel understood. Am I asking too much for her to offer words of reassurance and kindness? Instead she always ends exactly on time and gets me out of her office like I was on a conveyor belt.
Do I go on Saturday and tell her that our therapeutic relationship is not working? How does a patient tell a therapist the treatment feels wrong?
If you know the answer, please respond.