Me depressed…”insecure with myself”

This morning Lynn left a message on my phone, asking if I could come an hour earlier than our scheduled session on Saturday.  My first thought, I’ve got an out, I can just tell her no and not have to see her.  I still have no idea what I want to talk about and I’d like to take that pressure off.  But, being the good girl that I am, I called her and left a message saying, “I can make the earlier time but if you have to bump someone else, we can reschedule because I don’t have any pressing issues that can’t wait.”  I wonder how that looks to a therapist?  Is Lynn thinking, She’s trying to get out of it.  She doesn’t want to come or perhaps she is thinking, Daylily is such a nice person to consider others before herself.

I wonder what the word is for a person who doesn’t like to trust other people and doubts herself when opening up to others?  Self-conscious?  Thesaurus.com defines self-conscious as insecure with one’s self.  Other definitions are: affected, anxious, artificial, awkward, bashful, diffident, discomfited, embarrassed, ill-at-ease, mannered, nervous, out of countenance, shamefaced, sheepish, shy, stiff, stilted, uncertain, uncomfortable, uneasy, unsure.

How depressing to think I am insecure with myself.  Sad, too.  All my relationships begin with me so that tells me nothing in life feels secure.

Have I just gotten really good at faking it?  How do I put on a strong front and live like I have confidence?  Lately I don’t.  Self-doubt and ruminations are creeping into my thoughts.

Tonight I went to a board meeting and attended a public hearing and yesterday I had a meeting with a group of important people.  I feel depression sneaking in the back door.  Signs and symptoms are that I doubt myself, how I acted, how I looked and what I said.  A voice is telling me I’m no good.

The answer of what to talk to Lynn about is surfacing.  Poor sleep, negative thoughts, ruminations, a lot of self-doubt and a general sense of being out of control.  These are signs of depression.

This morning I reverted back to an old thought, I should not eat and see how thin I can get.  I haven’t been thin for years but when I was first diagnosed and treated with antidepressants I tried to cling to anything and I chose dieting as a way to control something in my life.  This morning I recognized my thought to not eat as a coping mechanism I’ve used in the past.  Back in my late 20’s I was down to 12% body fat on a 5’8″ frame.  I was basically anorexic but very muscular.  I don’t know why I’m going on about this except I wish I had control of my thoughts but I don’t so I’m fantasizing about controlling my life through diet and exercise.

I haven’t had a glass of wine since the weekend but my head is crying out for relief from these torturous thoughts and ruminations.  And it’s only Wednesday.  Sigh.  ♥ Daylily

10 responses to “Me depressed…”insecure with myself”

  1. Daylily, I’m sorry you’re feeling down. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

    • Thanks. I slept well but don’t feel much better. Maybe it’s pms and I shouldn’t jump right into fearing depression has returned. It’s so hard to know but thanks for your support.

      • WordsFallFromMyEyes

        Agreed it can be hard to know, Lily, because depression becomes a habit. I know depression, darkly and deeply I do.

        If ever you’re unsure, I say go out (I used to head straight for the beach) and in amongst some kind of nature, try & breathe it in, feel it, simply enjoy it. Depression is, as you & me both know, when you are under a brilliant sun with families & people laughing all around you, or simply lightly being, & you have a roof over your head & food, but you are anchored to this earth, leaden, unmovable, unshakable in your feelings so black, so so black you see not a single sliver of that brilliant sunshine.

        Take care, xx N.

      • I love nature and the beach, too. I had Sunday to do what I wanted and I cleaned house and took a long nap. I probably should have gotten outside and breathed in the fresh air to remind me I’m greater than just my dark hours. I know what you mean. Thanks.

  2. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    How fantastic, fantastic you haven’t had to lean on alcohol since last Saturday. That is just terrific. And yes your head would be aching for release of the pressure of the thoughts, but does wine really do that – or does it stop the throb a little while & then the throb is back with lower self esteem and a great pounding? I do truly hope you haven’t picked up, by the time you read this.

    I can imagine it jumped to the fore of your mind to say you can’t make it but it is EXCELLENT, Daylily, EXCELLENT you denied that demon within you that wants the easy way – the ‘don’t want to face that’ way. You need to keep going & going & walking into what you hate to, feel uncomfortable to, until you walk into it comfortably because so much is resolved, repaired within.

    I truly truly hope you have a good session today (it’s Saturday for me right now, 6.08 am). Even if you did have that drink, still do go. Keep going forward, forward, forward until you have walked through ALL of the dark shadows within yourself, those voices of people past, that lack of esteem, that self consciousness, doubt – walk through all of that and, lighter and relieved of it all at the other end, you are DayLily yourself, and able to continue your life in the way you know you truly prefer to.

    Sincerest best, & hoping wellness for you today.

    • Your positivity is an inspiration to me. Yes, I did fall back to my old ways and drank more than my share of white wine this weekend. I’m looking for a reason to not keep doing that. Someone wrote to me on my blog (I can’t recall whom) but they said I give to everyone else and now it is time to give the best to myself. I liked that perspective.

      • WordsFallFromMyEyes

        That perspective, I definitely relate to. My days are a lot of work, a lot – from all the menial chores like the kitty litter, feeding, dishes etc, to the work day in the office. I realise I have put absolutely everything I have into raising Daniel – and then some – and in my neglect of self, I have worn my self down.

        Now, that doesn’t serve anyone, does it – because when I wore down, I began to break, to crumble, and last year it happened: an absolute break (suicide attempts). As ‘insane’ as it will sound, I attempted on a Sunday night because I COULD NOT, COULD NOT bring myself to go to work the next day, to start a new week, to die away within a stodgy office, only for a pay packet (no life attached to it), to pay the rent, etc etc. Just could not.

        Yet, when I am in better frame of mind (the antidepressants helped, though I still have an ‘issue’ with drinking), THEN all of life holds more promise.

        Indeed give to yourself, DayLily. Take it from someone who indeed does know: it takes you nowhere to deny yourself, for you are a body & a spirit & you need rejuvenation, care, love.

      • I will try to learn to give to myself as well as I do to others and in doing so stop harming myself with excessive amounts of alcohol. I am impressed that you are so vocal and public in your struggle. I hope you and I both find what’s missing. xoxoxo Daylily

  3. I am reading a book by Byron Katie. Very easy reading but it hits on all the themes that are playing out for you (and for me too in my own struggles). She asks us to challenge our beliefs and thoughts. Please consider it. It may not resonate for you but it might be worth it. The drinking and the eating disorder issues are all connected to your sense of self worth as you have mentioned and our sense of self-worth is often distorted with our thoughts. Keep on, keeping on. You are an extremely intelligent woman and I am here, along with so many others cheering you on. You can overcome. You will overcome. Byron’s story is remarkable and if she can do it, well, hell ya’, we can do it too!

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