This morning Lynn left a message on my phone, asking if I could come an hour earlier than our scheduled session on Saturday. My first thought, I’ve got an out, I can just tell her no and not have to see her. I still have no idea what I want to talk about and I’d like to take that pressure off. But, being the good girl that I am, I called her and left a message saying, “I can make the earlier time but if you have to bump someone else, we can reschedule because I don’t have any pressing issues that can’t wait.” I wonder how that looks to a therapist? Is Lynn thinking, She’s trying to get out of it. She doesn’t want to come or perhaps she is thinking, Daylily is such a nice person to consider others before herself.
I wonder what the word is for a person who doesn’t like to trust other people and doubts herself when opening up to others? Self-conscious? Thesaurus.com defines self-conscious as insecure with one’s self. Other definitions are: affected, anxious, artificial, awkward, bashful, diffident, discomfited, embarrassed, ill-at-ease, mannered, nervous, out of countenance, shamefaced, sheepish, shy, stiff, stilted, uncertain, uncomfortable, uneasy, unsure.
How depressing to think I am insecure with myself. Sad, too. All my relationships begin with me so that tells me nothing in life feels secure.
Have I just gotten really good at faking it? How do I put on a strong front and live like I have confidence? Lately I don’t. Self-doubt and ruminations are creeping into my thoughts.
Tonight I went to a board meeting and attended a public hearing and yesterday I had a meeting with a group of important people. I feel depression sneaking in the back door. Signs and symptoms are that I doubt myself, how I acted, how I looked and what I said. A voice is telling me I’m no good.
The answer of what to talk to Lynn about is surfacing. Poor sleep, negative thoughts, ruminations, a lot of self-doubt and a general sense of being out of control. These are signs of depression.
This morning I reverted back to an old thought, I should not eat and see how thin I can get. I haven’t been thin for years but when I was first diagnosed and treated with antidepressants I tried to cling to anything and I chose dieting as a way to control something in my life. This morning I recognized my thought to not eat as a coping mechanism I’ve used in the past. Back in my late 20’s I was down to 12% body fat on a 5’8″ frame. I was basically anorexic but very muscular. I don’t know why I’m going on about this except I wish I had control of my thoughts but I don’t so I’m fantasizing about controlling my life through diet and exercise.
I haven’t had a glass of wine since the weekend but my head is crying out for relief from these torturous thoughts and ruminations. And it’s only Wednesday. Sigh. ♥ Daylily