It’s been a month since I saw my therapist/medication-prescriber and, once again, the time has come to pay her a visit. This Saturday I will see Lynn and I’m not eager. Reluctance would be more like it.
I’m not getting anywhere with my desire to treat my depression without alcohol. Lynn knows that’s why I went to her almost a year ago. I wanted to switch antidepressants with the hope I would feel settled and less anxious and not drink.
That’s not happening.
A realization is appearing before me. I have to want to stop drinking and I can’t say that is true. I need the respite from my thoughts. I know no other way to stop the constant worry, questions, doubts and anxiety. My medication lessens my nervousness but not low enough to stop having a few glasses of wine (or the whole bottle) on a pretty regular basis. The alcohol dulls my anxiety better than Celexa, Wellbutrin and Klonopin combined.
Not drinking during the work week is progress but just when I balance the chemicals and begin to sleep and feel normal, I sabotage my own progress by drinking too much and going back into a tired/dull thinking cycle. This can’t be good for my brain to be mixing drugs (granted they are prescribed to me) and alcohol. It’s a see-saw ride in my head. Up — feel clear and alert, down — feel tired and slow. Up. Down. Up. Down. When I feel up I drink to go down because I’m too hyper-vigilant but when I’m down I never want to go up. I just do it because I don’t want to ruin my life with alcohol.
What’s it going to take for me to want to change?
I wish I knew.
I don’t know.
How can I keep going to my therapist when what I said I would do, I’m not doing, despite her holding up her end of the deal? She prescribed a cocktail of antidepressants and anxiety medications and, on my end, I said I would quit drinking.
Going to see Lynn is like looking at myself in the mirror and facing my failures.
I convinced her I could visit monthly but what good is that unless I’m doing something the rest of the time to help myself?
Seriously, why do people go to therapists when they are not improving?
I blame myself and not the therapist.
I may as well just see Lynn when I need my medications refilled.
I have no idea what therapy will be like on Saturday. I feel like crying at my sense of failure. I could express those feelings to her. Or I could fake wellness, which I am quite good at. It’s all up to me and the answer isn’t forthcoming. I’ve got 4 days until I show up at her door for my 45 minute session. I best sleep on it for a few days.