I Try But Me and Therapy Just Don’t Mix Well

It’s been a month since I saw my therapist/medication-prescriber and, once again, the time has come to pay her a visit.  This Saturday I will see Lynn and I’m not eager.  Reluctance would be more like it.

I’m not getting anywhere with my desire to treat my depression without alcohol.  Lynn knows that’s why I went to her almost a year ago.  I wanted to switch antidepressants with the hope I would feel settled and less anxious and not drink.

That’s not happening.

A realization is appearing before me.  I have to want to stop drinking and I can’t say that is true.  I need the respite from my thoughts.  I know no other way to stop the constant worry, questions, doubts and anxiety.  My medication lessens my nervousness but not low enough to stop having a few glasses of wine (or the whole bottle) on a pretty regular basis.  The alcohol dulls my anxiety better than Celexa, Wellbutrin and Klonopin combined.

Not drinking during the work week is progress but just when I balance the chemicals and begin to sleep and feel normal, I sabotage my own progress by drinking too much and going back into a tired/dull thinking cycle.  This can’t be good for my brain to be mixing drugs (granted they are prescribed to me) and alcohol.  It’s a see-saw ride in my head.  Up — feel clear and alert, down — feel tired and slow.  Up. Down. Up. Down.  When I feel up I drink to go down because I’m too hyper-vigilant but when I’m down I never want to go up. I just do it because I don’t want to ruin my life with alcohol.

What’s it going to take for me to want to change?

I wish I knew. 

I don’t know.

How can I keep going to my therapist when what I said I would do, I’m not doing, despite her holding up her end of the deal?  She prescribed a cocktail of antidepressants and anxiety medications and, on my end, I said I would quit drinking.

Going to see Lynn is like looking at myself in the mirror and facing my failures.

I convinced her I could visit monthly but what good is that unless I’m doing something the rest of the time to help myself?

Seriously, why do people go to therapists when they are not improving?

I blame myself and not the therapist.

I may as well just see Lynn when I need my medications refilled.

I have no idea what therapy will be like on Saturday.  I feel like crying at my sense of failure.  I could express those feelings to her.  Or I could fake wellness, which I am quite good at.  It’s all up to me and the answer isn’t forthcoming.  I’ve got 4 days until I show up at her door for my 45 minute session.  I best sleep on it for a few days.

♥ Daylily

6 responses to “I Try But Me and Therapy Just Don’t Mix Well

  1. Dear Daylily,

    You are NOT a failure. You have pain that you’re trying to manage the best you can. I know how hard it is to quit the things that help numb the pain-even though they end up hurting us more in the end. Relapse is part of recovery and if your therapist is any good, she’ll open you with open arms and no judgement at all. I know it might sound cliche, but have you ever taken a try at EMDR? Guided imagery, meditation, and EMDR have been such helpful tools for me and they seem to help dissolve the anxiety somehow. In the fight with you…Hugs to you…

    • Thanks for the response. I’m sure you are right about my therapist if only I were good about opening my arms and allowing another to see me as I see myself.

      I haven’t heard of EMDR but I believe in meditation, yoga, relaxation, etc. I will look into it. Thanks!

  2. Therapy is not a quick fix, the way alcohol is, and I think that’s what’s frustrating for you. Healing is hard work, requires effort, and is often painful. The difference is it’s a permanent fix. So, maybe wanting a permanent fix rather than just a quick fix may be what it will take for you to really want to get well.

  3. I agree with Jumpingonclouds. Try EMDR and imagery/hypnotherapy. The meds are essential for me too but not a perfect solutions when dealing with demons of the past. I don’t drink or take recreational drugs – never have and hopefully never will. I think food is my vice at times and my years and years of numbing myself through my eating disorder would be the closest analogy for me. I cannot understand what it is like to need alcohol in order to numb the pain but I know all about wanting to numb myself. I don’t judge you and don’t want you to judge yourself. Remember, you are hard on yourself :-)? I only have deep compassion for you and truly understand your pain, having read your story that you so graciously shared with us. What about focussing on what gives you joy and actually seeking it out?

    I see that you have forgiven your brother…but the question that lingers in my mind is whether you have tried to really forgive yourself. It is like you are in a sort of exhile from life. I stayed in a twenty year marriage where I was a prisoner to culture and expectation. I was in my own exhile and that is what keeps coming up in my mind when I am reading your blogs. Are you punishing yourself?

    Please know that you can go back to the little girl you were and allow her to forgive herself. She was never to blame for anything that happened — anything.

    With all the love I can send to you through my prayers and simplistic words, I wish you self-love…

Would love a reply

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