Feeling vulnerable

I’ve made amends with my brother who committed incest upon my prepubescent body. The crime has been forgiven but not forgotten. I have let go of the anger and animosity because those feelings only eat away at the victim, which I am no longer. My brother apologized, sought out counseling with his pastor and showed me he had true remorse. I learned to forgive but it wasn’t easy to work through the aftermath of PTSD. I can officially say I no longer relive the events.

So, this weekend he came to visit and of all things the conversation turned to WordPress. Brother recommended that Husband set up a free website using WordPress. B showed H his WordPress site and tried to explain widgets, themes, etc. I was cooking dinner and drinking wine while the conversation unfolded in my kitchen. I stupidly spit out, “I use WordPress like a diary except it’s public so I get feedback.” My brother immediately searched for my name using Google on his iPad and he came up with only job-related stuff. I laughed and said to him, “You don’t think I would use my real name?” He said, “Oh so you have a pseudonym?” I agreed and joked, “Don’t go looking for it either.”  B replied “oh, yes, I’m going to become a computer sleuth and find your blog.”  I think he was joking, just as I was.  The conversation changed and I went back to cooking.

Holy shit, that was too close for comfort. I write about my childhood experiences regarding what he did to me and the past and present came dangerously close.  Could he find my blog if he wanted to?  He is very tech-savy so I am worried.  It’s not a good feeling to fear  him reading my blog.  If I ask myself what’s the worst that could happen?  The answer would be that he would get inside my intimate thoughts which I banned him from 30 years ago.  He would learn the aftermath of his abuse.  Nothing else would happen.  He would have no one to tell because his dirty secret would be aired.  But, I don’t want him to know about my pain and depression from childhood trauma and abuse.

I am considering closing down my blog. I thought I was no longer fearful of speaking about my past but a panic sets in when I visualize my brother finding my blog and reading my personal thoughts. I feel vulnerable.

If my blog disappears one day, you will know why.

♥ Daylily

6 responses to “Feeling vulnerable

  1. I can understand the fear. I don’t see how he would find you though; unless he knew what he was looking for and is going to trawl through every single trauma/depression blog there is examining it for clues…. that would be very hard work. I hope you feel you can continue writing. It would be a shame for your brother to take something away from you. Best wishes.

  2. I cant imagine it would be that easy for him turn you up. I have read that if you write things in your “open” life that closely parallel your anonymous life sometimes a careful search can make those things appear together and connections can be made, but sense I doubt you are on Facebook or Twitter talking about being raped by your brother or your battles with depression and PTSD I dont see how anybody could really find you. Like Bourbon I hope your brother is not empowered to take something else from you, and if he is truly remorseful he will not bring it up or hold it against you even if he were to find it. I hope to continue see you here.

  3. Don’t live in fear. It is our fears that sometimes attract that which we want to keep away from us. Don’t leave. If you have to, delete some of your more private blogs where his reading them would really be in your headspace. I want you to stay because you have become my “blogging” friend and I am so happy when I see you overcoming the shadow of your past, allowing the light within you to overpower the pain of the past. This is your space and hopefully you can remain anonymous and continue to use it as a conduit for your healing. All the best…

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