I’ve made amends with my brother who committed incest upon my prepubescent body. The crime has been forgiven but not forgotten. I have let go of the anger and animosity because those feelings only eat away at the victim, which I am no longer. My brother apologized, sought out counseling with his pastor and showed me he had true remorse. I learned to forgive but it wasn’t easy to work through the aftermath of PTSD. I can officially say I no longer relive the events.
So, this weekend he came to visit and of all things the conversation turned to WordPress. Brother recommended that Husband set up a free website using WordPress. B showed H his WordPress site and tried to explain widgets, themes, etc. I was cooking dinner and drinking wine while the conversation unfolded in my kitchen. I stupidly spit out, “I use WordPress like a diary except it’s public so I get feedback.” My brother immediately searched for my name using Google on his iPad and he came up with only job-related stuff. I laughed and said to him, “You don’t think I would use my real name?” He said, “Oh so you have a pseudonym?” I agreed and joked, “Don’t go looking for it either.” B replied “oh, yes, I’m going to become a computer sleuth and find your blog.” I think he was joking, just as I was. The conversation changed and I went back to cooking.
Holy shit, that was too close for comfort. I write about my childhood experiences regarding what he did to me and the past and present came dangerously close. Could he find my blog if he wanted to? He is very tech-savy so I am worried. It’s not a good feeling to fear him reading my blog. If I ask myself what’s the worst that could happen? The answer would be that he would get inside my intimate thoughts which I banned him from 30 years ago. He would learn the aftermath of his abuse. Nothing else would happen. He would have no one to tell because his dirty secret would be aired. But, I don’t want him to know about my pain and depression from childhood trauma and abuse.
I am considering closing down my blog. I thought I was no longer fearful of speaking about my past but a panic sets in when I visualize my brother finding my blog and reading my personal thoughts. I feel vulnerable.
If my blog disappears one day, you will know why.