I’m back to work and have very little time to myself. In a nut shell, I’ve been feeling distant and isolated. My husband and I are living on different planets right now, either he’s mad at me or I’m mad at him. Last week he was out every evening and when we finally had our chance to be alone, he made plans with the kids to get up for an early fishing excursion, which I was not going to partake in. Lucky me, I got to stay home and mop, clean, dust and vacuum the house. In truth, there is some satisfaction in having a clean house but not in having to use up my Labor Day to do it. So, I’ve been thinking maybe my husband is bringing me down and has a part in my depression. For the 28 years we’ve been together I keep working on myself. He’s stood by me through it all and I love him for that. But, (yes, you knew there would be a “but”) he can be loud, critical and self-centered. I always speak up and fight for my feelings and “rights” but is that how a marriage should be? Lately, I just wish we could talk about our days. A simple, “How was your day?” would be so much better than, “Are you going to get the dump sticker…How can I go to the dump if I don’t have a sticker?” My retort is “If you weren’t busy every single day and night you would have time to do it yourself.” It’s his one f@#$ing job around the house and he can’t even do it on a weekly basis.
I’m obviously over tired and stressed out from going back to work after having the summer off. But, is it also that H does not support me. I don’t know what the truth is. When I feel down and under appreciated, I self-blame and say it’s my “depression” talking. But, I’m not depressed right now, I’m just not feeling any love from H. The flip side of this situation is I’m not giving love either. I hope he doesn’t wake me for sex in the morning and I am avoiding contact with him. I guess with work starting up I can only handle so much emotional stuff. I do have a tendency to blame others when the real issue is my need for distance during high stress times. This is probably the reality because H isn’t being terrible or anything. And I know if I reached out he would reciprocate but this behavior is a dance we’ve done many times. I give out signals that I want to be left alone and so that’s what he’s doing. Tonight I said good night to my youngest kid at 9 pm and told my older son and H “I’m going to bed.” The voice I used sounded exhausted and defeated like, what else do I have to live for? H said “You don’t want to stay up?” I said, “No” and without even looking at him I walked away.
So, now off to bed I go, where I hope to sleep fitfully and wake up refreshed. Somehow I doubt it. ♥Daylily