Stuck in familiar territory…

I’m back to work and have very little time to myself.  In a nut shell, I’ve been feeling distant and isolated.  My husband and I are living on different planets right now, either he’s mad at me or I’m mad at him.  Last week he was out every evening and when we finally had our chance to be alone, he made plans with the kids to get up for an early fishing excursion, which I was not going to partake in.  Lucky me, I got to stay home and mop, clean, dust and vacuum the house.  In truth, there is some satisfaction in having a clean house but not in having to use up my Labor Day to do it.  So, I’ve been thinking maybe my husband is bringing me down and has a part in my depression.  For the 28 years we’ve been together I keep working on myself.  He’s stood by me through it all and I love him for that.  But, (yes, you knew there would be a “but”) he can be loud, critical and self-centered.  I always speak up and fight for my feelings and “rights” but is that how a marriage should be?  Lately, I just wish we could talk about our days.  A simple, “How was your day?” would be so much better than, “Are you going to get the dump sticker…How can I go to the dump if I don’t have a sticker?”  My retort is “If you weren’t busy every single day and night you would have time to do it yourself.”  It’s his one f@#$ing job around the house and he can’t even do it on a weekly basis.

I’m obviously over tired and stressed out from going back to work after having the summer off.  But, is it also that H does not support me.  I don’t know what the truth is.  When I feel down and under appreciated, I self-blame and say it’s my “depression” talking.  But, I’m not depressed right now, I’m just not feeling any love from H.  The flip side of this situation is I’m not giving love either.  I hope he doesn’t wake me for sex in the morning and I am avoiding contact with him.  I guess with work starting up I can only handle so much emotional stuff.  I do have a tendency to blame others when the real issue is my need for distance during high stress times.  This is probably the reality because H isn’t being terrible or anything.  And I know if I reached out he would reciprocate but this behavior is a dance we’ve done many times.  I give out signals that I want to be left alone and so that’s what he’s doing.  Tonight I said good night to my youngest kid at 9 pm and told my older son and H “I’m going to bed.”  The voice I used sounded exhausted and defeated like, what else do I have to live for?  H said “You don’t want to stay up?”  I said, “No” and without even looking at him I walked away.

So, now off to bed I go, where I hope to sleep fitfully and wake up refreshed.  Somehow I doubt it.  ♥Daylily

4 responses to “Stuck in familiar territory…

  1. Wow..28 years is a lot of life together. You do such a good job describing your feelings – How do you know when you need time alone? I’ve tried to keep track of that for myself but I seem to lose sight until I’m overloaded and I tilt. Do you have regular ‘you’ time? Hang in there …hoping you sleep well. 🙂

    • I should have me time that isn’t when my head hits the pillow. Usually I grap snatches of time here and there but I would like a schedule like my husband has (Tues-golf, Thurs-music, etc).

      I didn’t sleep that well and awoke at 4 am unable to fall back to sleep for a long time. I keep saying “I’m not depressed” but maybe I am because my sleep is usually the first to show up as a sign of worry. I managed to fall back to sleep and then when my alarm went off I slept through it for 9 minutes! I must’ve been in a deep sleep.

      Thanks for being so positive. This post was not my usual contemplative musings but I needed to just complain. I actually feel better about hubby today. I may just go get that dump sticker for him! –Daylily

  2. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    I’m not sure how common this is, or not, but I find it very very VERY comforting to approach my bed, crawl up onto it, curl into a ball and pull those covers over my head.

    I hope your kids are okay. I know there were some days I just couldn’t hold up the facade for my son, my baby Daniel, just did not have the energy to put up the happy face, over-caffeinated & bubbling away, busying us and ignoring how I felt, and all that bothered me. I was just lifeless, and so sorry he witnessed me that way, that when I had my energy back – there I was, chatting, smiling , moving us about and so on. I am glad, truly, your kids have also their father about, and he seems to take it all pretty well. He seems to support you. I’m glad you have that.

    Take care, rest well 🙂

    • You describe the situation well. I do feel bad when I’m not my energetic self and the only place I want be is in bed. Many times, the white wine I enjoy to excess brings my energy up and makes me forget my moods. If only briefly. It is my way of self-medicating. I am in the phase of recognizing and admitting to the issue but have yet to make a positive change. For now, there are many good things in my life that I see through the clouds of my grief and despair. I feel connected to you in that way. We are survivors! –Daylily

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