Improving is not easy

I’m having a good week.  I went back to work and my kids returned to school.  The regularity of things is good for my psyche, going to bed at a reasonable hour, waking up early, staying away from wine and not napping have helped my energy level tremendously.  I feel even keel.

So why do I want to sabotage it?  Having a few glasses of wine on Friday is my carrot, dangling in front of me.  I can behave all week if I get to blot it out come Friday.  I wish I could keep on the right track on the weekends and avoid staying up late, drinking, napping and screwing up my bio-rhythms by messing with my mind and body so much.  I want to work toward doing this for myself.

The desire to feel my body balanced and rested must out weigh my desire to forget the stress and decompress with wine.  I wonder what else would work?  Truthfully, drugs but I don’t want to get into anything illegal.  My therapist has told me to take the Klonopin around the time I would like a drink but, I’m missing the piece of me that wants to do the right thing.

I’m so f@#$ing good all week that I get relief from self-destruction.  I’m not sure why.  Perhaps life as I know it is not satisfying enough for me to want to be healthy and sober all of the time.

One final thought, a psychiatrist once told me a key piece to fighting depression is doing something you love.  I have a few hobbies and activities I enjoy and my job is okay but nothing is driving me to improve because I’m not seeing anything worth improving for.

These are just random thoughts that I feel could be expanded upon but I’m mentally and physically exhausted from the day.  ♥ Daylily

11 responses to “Improving is not easy

  1. “I’m missing the piece of me that wants to do the right thing.” – I LOVE that. I have felt that way before, too. And sometimes now. Sometimes it lasts for a moment, other times a few hours, other times some days.
    Some of the people I know currently who are struggling with depression seem to have the problem of not having ANYTHING that they love. Not one thing, not at all. The feeling itself seems to be missing, and that seems to be part of the big issue. I wish I had some advice, but I don’t. I just think it’s cool and inspiring that you can look at what is happening in this way with such clarity. And that you are able to write and maintain your blog, it is really great. I try to tell my friends who struggle with it to maybe consider starting a blog, but they maybe just aren’t in the right space for it, or aren’t driven in the same way. Good for you though, I hope something feels inspiring soon!

    • Writing honestly helps me improve because I am recognizing my feelings and I think that in itself moves me to greater awareness and keeps me on the right path of self-improvement.

      Thanks for following along on my journey.

      –Daylily

  2. I know how you feel. You are not alone, dear friend. I don’t know if this will help but the world is full of people like us who are in pain. The best advice that I have received is to look at mindfulness as a way out of depression. With this approach, one tries not to focus on the past or the future; one lives in the present moment. I don’t think we can live in the present all the time. Western society is not trained to that. But, perhaps trying just ten minutes of meditation a day where you focus on the now. I wish you all the best and will continue to follow you…Keep well – Freedom to be.

    • I agree! I try to be mindful but I am much better with others than myself. One of my favorite books, begins with words I want so much to absorb the true meaning of.

      “WE ALREADY HAVE everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.”

      ― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

      Thanks, xoxo– Daylily

  3. Nope, improving is not easy. Dear Daylily, I have read most of your posts now. You are so bright. That is clearly evident. I don’t think you are living the life you were meant to live. There appears to be such a hollow, empty void within you that your husband, your children, and your life as it is are not able to completely fill. The trauma of your childhood is hard to read about. But, you seem to have done so much to heal from that. I don’t know if you have forgiven yourself, though. You appear so hard on yourself, dear Day.

    I applaud you for being courageous enough to write about everything you have. It takes strength of will to actually put those words in writing (I know).

    You are doing all the right things. You are on the right path. Have you ever written about what might bring you personal joy (aside from your kids, your hubby). Is there something unfulfilled. Have you ever wanted to travel, to volunteer — do something that you can put your heart and soul in? Perhaps, that might help? These are only suggestions and I apolgize deeply if I sound preachy or judgemental as that is not my intention. I want you to experience satisfaction. Feelings of joy and happiness are fleeting from moment to moment but contentment and satisfaction are different.

    You are so apologetic in your blogs. Don’t apologize for the darker blogs. You have a right to feel how you do. You have a right to feel any emotion you want. You are a survivor, a strong woman, a bright woman, a caring mother. This emanates in your blogs like a ray of light peaks out from behind the clouds. I see someone who is loved by others but who needs to finally love herself…

    The Universe connects all of us. We are all woven from the same cloth and there is an invisible bond between all living beings. Your healing, therefore, heals the world. I wish you love, light, self-love and contenment.

    With loving compasion and gratitude for you taking the time to share your story, I will follow you. I want to see you succeed and I know you can.

    Freedomtobe…

    • I love what you had to write and it didn’t at all sound preachy. You are right I am hardest on myself and you definitely hit a nerve when you touched on that. I feel a bit tearful that you could sum me up so succinctly and recogniize the emptiness I feel. Of course, I also felt like my tauma was not that bad and my life has not been as horrible as others and I blame myself for not being happier.

      You are right, I must do something I love for myself. I am going to think about that one.

      Thanks for recognizing my pain. It’s a rare experience for me!

    • WordsFallFromMyEyes

      Excellent comment, Freedomtobe. Right on.

  4. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Oh, Daylilly I do so relate. So very much. And I can’t even “be good all week”! Good on you there!!

    I agree with the rhythm of things, & how being back at work etc & things being in place is settling, feels good.

    I love your honesty, your openness. You must know I do – I’m the same. I am wishing you well. I am really really glad your week was good. Hope the next is too.

    If we could just not write-off the weekends… Hmm, that “other self” I do know about.

  5. Daylily, I so appreciate your vulnerability and honesty with your struggles. The part of you that wants to do the right thing is strong and vibrant…that is the core of who you are. Your drinking is something you do, not who you are.

    What your psychiatrist said about doing something you love is important, as is self care. But I wonder if you’ll continue to have the same battles until you dig up and process the root of why you want to drink in the first place?

    Hang in there…you are a strong person, I can tell.

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