I’m having a good week. I went back to work and my kids returned to school. The regularity of things is good for my psyche, going to bed at a reasonable hour, waking up early, staying away from wine and not napping have helped my energy level tremendously. I feel even keel.
So why do I want to sabotage it? Having a few glasses of wine on Friday is my carrot, dangling in front of me. I can behave all week if I get to blot it out come Friday. I wish I could keep on the right track on the weekends and avoid staying up late, drinking, napping and screwing up my bio-rhythms by messing with my mind and body so much. I want to work toward doing this for myself.
The desire to feel my body balanced and rested must out weigh my desire to forget the stress and decompress with wine. I wonder what else would work? Truthfully, drugs but I don’t want to get into anything illegal. My therapist has told me to take the Klonopin around the time I would like a drink but, I’m missing the piece of me that wants to do the right thing.
I’m so f@#$ing good all week that I get relief from self-destruction. I’m not sure why. Perhaps life as I know it is not satisfying enough for me to want to be healthy and sober all of the time.
One final thought, a psychiatrist once told me a key piece to fighting depression is doing something you love. I have a few hobbies and activities I enjoy and my job is okay but nothing is driving me to improve because I’m not seeing anything worth improving for.
These are just random thoughts that I feel could be expanded upon but I’m mentally and physically exhausted from the day. ♥ Daylily