Aside

No photo/no title

I haven’t the energy to do either.

I’m not feeling well since I talked to my mother the other day.  I guess the book I’m reading and the recovery work I’m doing is backfiring.  I’m not feeling the self-love.

All I want to do is sleep and ignore my husband, house and kids.  I let the kids fend for themselves for breakfast and lunch for the last few days and I allowed them to have cereal for dinner one night (totally unlike me).  Husband has tried to pick up the slack, one afternoon he made pizza from scratch which was delicious.  But when he asked about dinner later I said, “There are leftovers in the fridge.”  He ended up cooking the second meal that day and asked me to come and eat.  “I made enough for you, too.”  I just ate the leftovers anyway because I wasn’t into the whole idea of someone taking care of me.  Husband also made breakfast of eggs and bacon today, commenting “Do I have to make every meal?”  So, tonight I made grilled chicken, fresh corn on the cob with a loaf of Italian bread.  Nothing big but it took so much energy that it wasn’t worth it. I would have been happy with yogurt and granola.

For the past couple days, I’ve been isolating myself in my office and allowing the kids to have free rein on their computers and Xbox games.  I hate that I have to take my kid out and exercise him like he’s a dog.  If I don’t force him out the door, he will sit inside on the computer all day.  I was so mad at him that I flooded him with guilt for doing nothing but Xbox all day.  When he talked back, I pulled all the plugs and took the game box away.  I’m torn between feeling like it’s my fault I don’t take him places to keep him busy and being pissed off that he doesn’t do it for himself.

When I’m in this kind of mood, I go into overdrive trying to keep busy so I don’t socialize and take out my negativity on everyone.  (I did okay until night came and then everyone got a piece of my mind!)  I hate when I feel this way. In order to be alone, I ‘m doing yard work until the sun sets.  I cut the lawn, weed whacked, moved huge branches and used the blower on the driveway, walks and patio.  I like to use the power equipment, it’s so loud and powerful that I can forget my problems and focus on the job.  As I  weed whacked yesterday this storm came in from the west and I could see the dark clouds approaching.  I watched the rain arrive and continued weed whacking, becoming completely soaked and covered in grass.  I secretly hoped I would get hit by lightning.  Suicide ideation is not common for me but it is a coping mechanism when I feel at my lowest.  I rationalized that if I got hit by lightning it would be the perfect out.  My death would look accidental and my husband could cash in on the life insurance.   The kids would mourn my death but I wouldn’t be leaving the legacy of suicide, which I think would be traumatic for a child. Anyway, the thunder and lightning didn’t accompany the storm and I remain among the living.

Sorry for the bummer post.  I’m feeling low about everything.  I hate that I have a bunch of past baggage I can’t get rid of.  And I’m so angry that I isolate myself and won’t let anyone get close.  I don’t want to be like this, it is just what happens when my emotions overwhelm me.

♥ Daylily

9 responses to “No photo/no title

  1. Thank you for sharing! It was like someone had taken thoughts from my head and put it in print. The thoughts about being hit by lightning particularly resonated, I’m not going to commit suicide but at the moment if I could just go to sleep and not wake up I would be okay with that.

    • Yes, my desire of being struck by lightning is similar to the wish of not waking up in the morning. I want to die but I wouldn’t go as far as doing it to myself but some days I wish I would just not wake up in the morning.

  2. I wish there was a “positives vibes” button instead of a “like” button. In any case, I’m sending positive vibes.

  3. Dear Daylily – I just found your blog today and read your no title/no photo post from today. wow – you have a wonderful way with words and I appreciate your candor and vulnerability. I can relate to your feelings so much it’s spooky. I’m 6 years into recovery from a dangerous breakdown and major depression. I was PTSD and an addict until 36 years old and almost killed myself. It was the love I have for our 2 sons that saved my life, but through hellishly painful therapy and self examination, I’ve come to a more joyful life…not perfect, but more joy than I ever thought possible. I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog. Take good care of yourself….you won’t always feel this way.

    • Thanks for commenting on my blog. It sounds like you have been through a lot but are in a better place in your life. I’m so glad to hear that! Sorry for the late reply but I have been away on vacation. Time to get back to blogging! –Daylily

  4. WordsFallFromMyEyes

    Oh, Daylily,
    I feel so much all you are saying. You are fortunate though, I can’t help but say, that you have a husband. How sweet he made a pizza. And then for dinner you said ‘there’s leftovers!’ That was sort of funny, but in reality I know it’s not funny at all.

    I really hope your mood collects itself. Are you on antidepressants? For all of my life up to 4 years ago, I never sought help, but since discovering antidepressants my ocean of life is far less tumultuous.

    Exercising your child like a dog… yes, I get that too. I have sat in the park with my son playing, and with tears in my eyes. Others are full of family togetherness and so on, but I have felt so damned isolated, lonely, unsupported.

    I really really hope when you get this, a warmth enters your heart & you feel, say, a ray of sunshine, or hear a bird warble, and something strikes you that in nature which surrounds us, there is refreshment. Depression is horror. I know it absolutely and I wish you the absolute best.

    • Thanks for your comments. I am on antidepressants and have been for about 10 years. My life has become much more predictable since I found treatment. But, I’m currently trying to dig deeper into the source of my depression and it’s caused me to experience grief and overwhelming emotions. Overall, though, antidepressants allow me to keep going and not succumb to negative thoughts. –Daylily

      • WordsFallFromMyEyes

        I agree what antidepressants have done, yes – “not succumb to negative thoughts”. They were just like a magnet to my head! It was IMPOSSIBLE to “get over it” and “let it go” as “it” CONSUMED me.

        Antidepressants has made a change, yes – made life possible – but looking into the why of it, the mental & heart ache… I agree: overwhelming grief.

        Kindest best Lily 🙂

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