Anger and self-blame

I feel badly that as much as I believe I’m in control of things, I’m not. My marriage is suffering because I’m directing all of my stress and anger at my husband [H]. Last week H took a week off of work to get the outside cleaned and ready for 2 events we had this past weekend. One was an end-of-the-school-year party for our son and the other was a gathering of H’s friends for a hobby they all do in the basement. You can see that none of these events were about me – I didn’t have any parties or get-togethers with my friends. H also regularly plays golf and goes out on a weekly basis to jam with other friends. The reality is all of this socializing is good for him because he works at home, sitting at his desk all day in the basement. But, the selfish side of me felt neglected and I reverted to my old ways by giving him the cold shoulder.

I don’t consciously do this but I caught myself being so rude that I didn’t say good-bye to him as he went off to play music one night. That’s not all, I think there were 3 days where I completely ignored him and felt angry. Angry that I was worrying (ok, obsessing) alone about my son’s soccer situation, feeling frustrated that H took a week off and not once did he prepare a meal or help in the kitchen.

H is not in the best of shape (imagine a guy that has been sitting at a desk all day for the last 30 years) so I know the yard work exhausted him. When he told me he could barely lift his arms, had a poor night’s sleep or he was going to have trouble playing golf due to muscle soreness, I felt resentful rather than sympathetic. When he returned from golf and said he had the worst game ever I said, “Oh well.” Between the words I meant who gives a shit about your stupid little game and all your other hobbies?

I complained that when he’s done working he comes right upstairs and sits in his big lazy boy chair and has to immediately turn the TV on. Where’s the family time? When is there an opportunity to talk to each other? He rightfully argues backYou’ve had time to yourself because you’re off for the summer. Didn’t you go for a bike ride, take a nap, walk the dog, etc? What have I done for myself today? I just worked 10 hours.”

All I can think is you’ve got enough hobbies that you do for yourself. I shut-up though and just walk away to make dinner with an attitude and holding a grudge.

Most night’s we still manage to sit down at the table as a family and have dinner together. H and I talk about the kids and hear what’s going on in their lives. After being married 23 years, we both can switch off our differences and come together for the sake of the kids. This is the secret to our lasting relationship.

My mood FINALLY lifted yesterday because H took charge of this whole soccer fiasco that has been eating-me up inside. He is now looking for the answers and I feel supported and relieved. H left his number with the director of the soccer club and is waiting for a call back. When H forwarded me that email I could have just kissed his face and hugged him tight! Instead I returned the 100 cans of soda that piled up from our parties (refundable), a job that I’ve never done because I don’t drink soda and so I make him do it. I also went food shopping and made a delicious dinner, without feeling resentful or angry.

But, even when I feel better H doesn’t know that because I am the same on the outside. He thinks I’m unpredictable and he never knows when I will blame him or help him. This makes me feel awful.

9 responses to “Anger and self-blame

  1. I can identify with a lot of this – hope you feel better soon – marriage is not easy is it!

  2. So much strength and gentleness to you today and each day!

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