Can’t shake this mood

Okay, so I’m not wallowing in the past but I’m currently stressing out in the present! I have extreme anxiety right now. The symptoms are queasy stomach that feels like fluttering butterflies, my chest is heavy and sick with worry and I cannot turn my mind off from ruminating. I also feel like my face is showing my emotions with a constant frown, brow crease and down cast eyes. This is not a good place to be and I just want to bury myself under my covers and hide away. I guess that being said, I also feel sad and dejected. Recognizing at this moment my sense of sadness has made me want to cry.

I felt like this yesterday, too. The trigger is one of my children got cut from his elite sports team. I mentioned earlier that he had an injury, which took us to the physical therapists 2 times a week for 6 months. Ironically enough, the injury was caused from overuse in the very sport he plays. At that time, he was not able to compete and at the U15 boys level there is stiff competition. The club he played for claims to focus on development of the player so after 2 years how can they just drop him?

I feel like I am taking this as my own personal rejection. My son’s response was it doesn’t matter. He also said there were some good players at tryouts. How can he be so rational when I’m not?

I want to talk to him more but he is avoiding the topic. The tables have turned and I need him to tell me why it doesn’t matter. Please, explain how you are not hurt, tell me that your ego is still intact and that you have other dreams to pursue.

How is it that you talked of getting a soccer scholarship to college and now it doesn’t matter? (I told him he could get into a good college on his academic strengths and didn’t need soccer but he had this dream).

I am just taking all of this way too hard. My rational side knows he can still play high school soccer and have his dreams. What is wrong with me?

I don’t have good coping skills when my anxiety gets this high. I yearn for a mind-numbing drug or a few glasses of wine. Since its only 10:30 in the morning, it’s too early to drink and I only have 7 klonopin left that I take once a day, at bedtime to help me sleep. I don’t even take the medication for anxiety but right now I feel like I need two of them!

I am frantically trying to figure out how to bounce out of this funk. I envision running off to the beach, walking my dog for miles or shopping till I drop from exhaustion. All of these things I could do but they take more energy than I have right now and none will offer more than a fleeting distraction. Eventually, the anxiety will return if I just ignore it.

Yoga might work, I could turn inward and focus on the hurt and sadness I feel, recognize it, give it its due and then let it go. Afterward, I could ask my son if he wants to go golfing with me. Spending time with him would be good, even if he doesn’t want to talk about getting cut from his team.

Shit, I just called to him and asked if he wanted to go golfing and he said in his changing masculine voice No, I don’t want to go golfing.

Crap, that makes me not want to do yoga either.

I can’t expect him to help me with this because he’s got his own disappointment to work out (even if he doesn’t want to admit it).

This is one of those times when I must rise above my own needs in order to do what is right for my children. I don’t want to be the narcissistic mother I had. Unfortunately, since that was my example, I feel lost about what to do with my anxiety and sadness. My maternal instincts are appropriate but laying it all at my kid’s feet is not.

I know I’ve rambled on, hoping if I put all of my thoughts and feelings down it would release some of this angst. Time to move onto other activities.

BTW—the “reader” on this site stopped working for me and I cannot see my favorite blogs. I’m trying to figure out if I have to change something on my end but it’s been very frustrating to not be able to read other people’s blogs (without going to extremes) so I apologize for not being around lately. –Daylily

5 responses to “Can’t shake this mood

  1. If your boy says it doesn’t matter, just leave it. I’m only saying this because when my boy says it doesn’t matter and I try to analyze things, he gets furious with me (he’s 18 now, so he has probably had enough of my mummyness!)
    I don’t know what to say about the anxiety because I am the same tonight – it is nearly midnight and I have tried going back to bed twice but I can’t sleep and keep crying (long story), so I just took some migraine pills to help me sleeeeeep!
    I do wish you well and I am tuned in to your blog for sure!

    • Good advice. JUST LEAVE IT. I will try. Thanks!

      When I take my migraine meds they also help put me into a deep sleep so I hope it works for you.

      • Boys/sons are so honest – mine came home tonight from a family dinner and said he had a much better time without me because he could be himself. I have learned to laugh these insults off because he doesn’t mean it the way it comes out – okay, to bed now! Are you okay?

      • Yes, I’m going to step away from my son’s life and get on with things that I must do. I bought some new flowers and I want to get them in the ground, plus I’ve got loads of chores and there’s always the book on my bed side table. It’s nice to be understood!

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