You know how sometimes it feels like all the stars are aligned just right for an epiphany to happen?
Right now and right here in this moment I’m experiencing a striking realization that I do not have to hold onto my past.
For the first time I feel like I could discard every single journal and/or writing I’ve saved for the last 30 years. Perhaps it’s time to move forward without dragging my burdensome past along with me.
Could I really do this?
I really am not sure but the thought is there. The idea is liberating! For the last 20 years I’ve carried a burden from long-ago and I like the idea of letting it go – no longer being defined as a survivor or victim of sexual abuse and all that such a label entails.
Fast forward to later today…
I was looking back, to 5 years ago, and feeling the urge to analyze and explore what occurred with a therapist who tried EFT (energy field therapy). I found myself driving by her office and I remembered some of her techniques. I don’t remember all of it, by any means, but I know my journals tell the whole story. I was drawn to the idea of reliving what I went through. I had a fleeting thought that if I burn those journals I can’t go back to that particular time and figure out what went wrong. The therapist believed in energy fields and trusted my body to tell her what I was ready for and what I needed. She unknowingly had me relive an early trauma and the questions she asked as I was under her “spell” didn’t rescue me…I felt hurt and victimized because my emotional pain was not understood. After a few months the therapeutic relationship backfired and I left her practice. The experience was PTSD all over again. That’s scary shit when I’m re-traumatized by my past and have no sense of control.
Why do I want to hold on to that? I know what happened and I should be able to let it go… What I learned was I can not expose such deep feelings again…
I wonder why I hold onto my past. So strange that I feel I must repeat it, at least on an intellectual level, in order to move on.
I’m toying with the idea of just letting it all go. Burning everything. That is causing me apprehension because my past defines me.
This post was initially going to address how powerful I feel and how I am so ready to burn my bridges and let the past go. But, driving by my previous therapist’s office caused an aching for my past and what I didn’t heal or fix the first time.
I guess I need some time to digest the idea of burning my bridges… ♥ ♥ ♥