It’s been quiet on my blog, I know. My anxiety continues unabated; although I called Lynn and told her as much. She said the same thing she always does…”take half the Klonopin in the afternoon and the other half at night.” Whenever she makes that suggestion, I want to run in the other direction and cease taking the anti-anxiety med. I guess I am struggling with denial around this whole “anxiety” component of my mental illness.
I know I have “major depression” but now I need medication for “anxiety” too? Really? I’m trying to come to terms with this in my own way.
My own way entailed drinking more wine than anybody needs. I was not your typical social drinker this weekend. I drank to erase the anxiety and numb my pain.
Well, when I told Lynn — my therapist — about my anxiety, I described it as such, “I am still getting things done but I’m finding I am isolating myself more.” Simple words, perhaps, but for me to recognize and verbalize my behaviors is a step in the right direction.
The stress doesn’t end because tomorrow I’m taking a road trip (alone) to visit my mother. She is packing her condo to move to a retirement community and I am going to help. My mom is so excited about my visit that I can’t bail out, even though I want to.
My brother, The Perp, lives near by and there’s a chance he’ll drop by my mom’s place. I will be cordial, as usual, and not give either of them an entry into my painful past. I’ve learned they can’t help with my healing and growth so I don’t talk about the incest anymore. Instead I will give my mom everything she needs to feel my support and love. For her, that means acting like we are the perfect family. We’ll have intelligent conversations, they’ll be no negative thoughts or emotions and everything will be peachy!
I can play the game well. The other day, I even told my mom in a phone conversation that people were asking about my brother. I told her to tell him that they think highly of him and send their regards. That part is true but why do I feed my mom’s need to think her son is so great? Don’t actions like that take away from my worth? Why do I want to reassure my mom I’m past what my brother did to me, that I know he is a good guy and she is not a bad mom?
Why the hell do I play those mind games? In the end, it fucks with my own head more than any one else’s.
I usually edit and rewrite my posts but that’s all the time and energy I have tonight. I need sleep and hopefully, it will be restorative and give me the energy I need for the week ahead. ♥