I think I could be doing better but I don’t like to complain or give recognition to negative stuff. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (no, not an excuse but a reason) I tend to disconnect from painful or uncomfortable issues in my life. This is how I’ve learned to function. It keeps me in the world of normality.
Unfortunately, I need a great deal of time to myself to allow for a break from the dissociation I’ve become so good at.
Over the years, the space is getting smaller – meaning the time I feel I am faking it and the times I’m not. When I was younger, I would rush away from obligations, when my time was up, and smoke a cigarette, have a drink or go for a drive. Anything to get away from my work or responsibilities that I felt I faked my way through.
Now, I can be in a work situation longer. I even volunteer at night or for events that help others. The distance is shrinking and I feel like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not less and less. It’s gradually coming together. Thanks to my long-term use of antidepressants and years of psychotherapy.
HOWEVER, my anxiety right now is not controlled. I’m post-menstrual and I should be even-keel. But, I’m feeling anxious about my job, my home-life, my husband, my kids – pretty much everything. Tonight my family couldn’t take it anymore and they all left the dinner table early and I sat alone.
I don’t want to complain because I don’t have time to wallow in self-pity. Currently, my work and social life is so busy that I feel I can’t give in to my anxiety/depression.
I also discovered I won’t be able to make the next therapy appointment because every weekend is so full of activity with traveling or social obligations. That sucks. I must call Lynn and reschedule. I’ve always left a message and avoided a phone conversation but this time, I have a desire to talk to her – briefly – about my anxiety and the possibility of raising one of my medications.
I hate to admit that my life doesn’t feel settled but it’s true. Do I ask for help or do I suffer on my own until the appointed time when I have a therapy session? If I was to call Lynn, this would be the first time EVER I sought help over the phone with a therapist. It feels scary but perhaps that fear is also a step in the right direction – putting me on the right path of being able to accept help from others.
Imagine, me not suffering alone between therapy sessions? What a novel idea. ♥