I think I could be doing better but I don’t like to complain or give recognition to negative stuff. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (no, not an excuse but a reason) I tend to disconnect from painful or uncomfortable issues in my life. This is how I’ve learned to function. It keeps me in the world of normality.

Unfortunately, I need a great deal of time to myself to allow for a break from the dissociation I’ve become so good at.

Over the years, the space is getting smaller – meaning the time I feel I am faking it and the times I’m not. When I was younger, I would rush away from obligations, when my time was up, and smoke a cigarette, have a drink or go for a drive. Anything to get away from my work or responsibilities that I felt I faked my way through.

Now, I can be in a work situation longer. I even volunteer at night or for events that help others. The distance is shrinking and I feel like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not less and less. It’s gradually coming together. Thanks to my long-term use of antidepressants and years of psychotherapy.

HOWEVER, my anxiety right now is not controlled. I’m post-menstrual and I should be even-keel. But, I’m feeling anxious about my job, my home-life, my husband, my kids – pretty much everything. Tonight my family couldn’t take it anymore and they all left the dinner table early and I sat alone.

I don’t want to complain because I don’t have time to wallow in self-pity. Currently, my work and social life is so busy that I feel I can’t give in to my anxiety/depression.

I also discovered I won’t be able to make the next therapy appointment because every weekend is so full of activity with traveling or social obligations. That sucks. I must call Lynn and reschedule. I’ve always left a message and avoided a phone conversation but this time, I have a desire to talk to her – briefly – about my anxiety and the possibility of raising one of my medications.

I hate to admit that my life doesn’t feel settled but it’s true. Do I ask for help or do I suffer on my own until the appointed time when I have a therapy session? If I was to call Lynn, this would be the first time EVER I sought help over the phone with a therapist. It feels scary but perhaps that fear is also a step in the right direction – putting me on the right path of being able to accept help from others.

Imagine, me not suffering alone between therapy sessions? What a novel idea.

4 responses to “Dissociation

  1. Such fantastic posting, really! I’m glad you are pretending less and less. I know what it feels like to be completely separate from yourself. I don’t like dissociation, but it does help avoid everything you want to avoid. But if I keep avoiding it won’t get any better.
    I’m sorry you had to upset your family. Try not to feel to guilty, but please ask them to be patient with you, even though it sounds like they are!
    I talk to an on-call 24/7 therapist in between therapy sessions when things are just to hard. When things got too tough I moved appointments closer together, and talked to my therapist on the weekends.
    Now I use the same techniques because I am in-between therapists (so hard!). I hope your anxiety chills out and that you can learn to better manage it. It sounds like medication may help you function now, but it is gonna take a lot of hard work in therapy for you to be free from your demons. Best- Sparrow

  2. Call. Call. Call. You are right it would be progress, and you deserve to feel better!!

    • I know. I know. I know. I’m working up my nerve. I am hesitant to do more than just reschedule but I’ll let you know what I do. Thanks for your support!

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