It’s time to get back to the important stuff, like how the new medications are affecting me in terms of social, emotional, physical and sexual health.
It feels like my social and emotional health is balanced on the current cocktail of Wellbutrin, Celexa and Klonopin. This is the first time I’ve taken more than one medication for my depression therefore I felt a bit apprehensive but I think it’s working out. I’m not ruminating or feeling depressed. The only negative is I’m not supposed to drink on Klonopin and I’m still drinking (on occasion). Bad girl, I know. I suspect my anxiety is not completely under control.
My physical health is improving because I’m losing weight and that in itself feels good. I initially sought a therapist/prescribing nurse because I knew something had to give. I was diagnosed with high blood pressure so I committed to life-style changes. I’ve not checked my BP in months so I can’t say for sure if it’s improved. But, I’m on the right course with my weight loss, less alcohol and dietary changes.
So, what the fu*k, let’s cut to the chase and get to the most interesting facet of one’s life – sex. (I’m joking, life is much more than sex but let’s not negate it).
The Celexa has considerably lowered my libido, where I rarely want to engage in sex. When I have sex, it’s pleasurable but completing the act with the “Big O” is hard work. Manual stimulation and/or straight up intercourse are not going to do it. As the saying goes, I have to take out the big guns! Well, even the cheap massager I own wasn’t packing enough power to get the job done so I went on-line and searched for a new vibrator. I don’t need much, just a good old-fashion hand-held massager and that was pretty easy to find. I didn’t allow myself to get lost in all the gadgets and other toys available. My goal is to keep it simple, especially since I’m usually alone (although, I’ve said before my husband and I still get together but not too often anymore).
I had a strong vibrating massager for years and years, which recently sparked and died. I got my money’s worth out of that thing so I decided not to buy a cheap one again. I was looking for quality and power. I ended up purchasing a massager called the magic wand. (No shit, that’s really the name of it). It arrived in the mail on Tuesday and this sucker runs fast and hard. It’s got 2 speeds –low 5000 rpm & high 6000 rpm. It reminded me of my old vibrator that used to be so fast I would wrap a cushioned sock over the head of it because the stimulation to my clitoris was too much.
My kids were at school when I got home from work (I work part-time) and found the discreet brown box from Amazon. Who should I meet in the hallway but my husband, complaining about money issues the minute he sees me. When he notices the box, he cautiously asks, “What’s that?” I give a little smirk and try to rip the packing tape, which is not coming off easily. Husband says, “What is it? I need to know because I’m doing the bills right now.” Of course, he’s worried I spent a small fortune on something. I keep him guessing by not telling him what it is until I remove the packing paper and pull it out of the box. He genuinely relaxed and let up on the money issues.
I don’t know why I feel the need to control some situations with him. I suppose I like showing him he doesn’t control me or every move I make. What’s more blatant than the wife buying herself a sex toy? (I wonder if that is cruel to do.)
Husband asked, “Are you going to try it right now?” He knows I like to take a nap, when I can, before my boys come home from school. I said, “Maybe.” He works from home and had to get back to his desk so he wouldn’t find out. It would have been nice if I asked him to join me later but I didn’t because he goes golfing with his friends on Tuesdays. Nevertheless, I didn’t use it right away and Husband never inquired about my private activities. That’s how familiar he is with me getting off on my own. Sigh. I wanted him to join me but we’ve barely cross each other’s paths. I like to go to bed early; he stays up really late and/or falls asleep in his chair. I’m certain he’s thinking about all of it, though, and when the weekend rolls around, he’ll be curious enough to investigate. We are going through the daily grind but the tension is growing, I can feel it.
So, you’re probably asking if the toy served its purpose. Absolutely. I rode it on high (with a sock on it, just like the old one) and when I was ready to climax I lowered it and rode out the wave. What can I say? I’m a sexual woman. Very private, too but I’m trying to be honest about all facets of battling depression.
Many antidepressants have a negative sexual side effect. The only one I found that didn’t was Wellbutrin but it doesn’t touch my depression, like the SSRI’s do. So, I will take the Celexa accepting its negative side effect and taking it upon myself to improve things. ♥