Sadness washes over me…

I’ve been feeling so content that I’m surprised with the heaviness I feel weighing down my entire body.  My back and chest are slumped over, my head is low and my mouth feels like it’s in a frown.  Mentally I just feel sadness, pure and simple. 

My dad was born this week and for some odd reason I always feel sad on his birthday, rather than the day he died, which was 27 years ago, when I was still in college.  Birthdays are happy times and it’s a contradiction of terms to remember a dead person on their birthday.  There will be no cake and celebrating at my house but I suppose a “happier” person could find it within them to “celebrate his life.”  Not a depressed person, such as myself, who can ruminate on the dark side of things.

Perhaps it would have been different if I was able to build a longer relationship than that of 20 years.  He was always disappointed in my rebellious streak and only briefly saw my life start to change for the better, when I began doing well in college.  I never told him about my brother sexually abusing me but I’m sure he would have been so angry at my mother for not supervising what was going on at night. My dad wasn’t in the house when the abuse occurred because my parents had already separated/divorced.  

I speculate if my dad hadn’t moved out my oldest brother wouldn’t have taken advantage of me.  There was a real break-down when my parents split and my mom let this brother start acting like he was the man of the house.  BAD IDEA!  He took total advantage of his responsibilities in many ways but, worst of all he over-stepped himself when he would break the locks to get in my room at night.  I wish I could tell my dad about all of that but it will never happen.  My dad also wasn’t alive when I got married and he never met my beautiful children.  He saw all of his children graduate from college except for me.   

My father had high expectations for everyone in his life and I never lived up to them, at least in his lifetime.  That makes me sad.

I must get a good night sleep to bounce out of these doldrums.♥

23 responses to “Sadness washes over me…

  1. fullwellytillitgoesbang

    You never know…… maybe he DOES know and is kinda ‘around’ you.
    K.x

    • Hey, thanks for that! I went to bed last night, imagining he was in my room, trying to soothe me and let me know he is still in my life. –Daylily

      • fullwellytillitgoesbang

        For all we know, maybe that’s all it takes?
        I firmly believe that if someone is remembered fondly, they never really die nor disappear from our lives.
        Chin up, hunny,
        K. {:o)

  2. I too get lost in these types of speculations at times, wondering the ‘what-ifs’ of what could have been done to prevent or stop the abuse as I try to heal the holes in my heart and soul. I think they are useful to examine, especially with those that love you now or in therapy. Just be someone you can be proud of now, and your dad will know, that type of self-love goes right back out into the universe.

    • The depth of my angst that my dad and I never built a properly healthy relationship leaves me feeling self-contempt. I still carry it and, you are very intuitive because I should work on this more in therapy. I’ve never dealt with my dad’s death or brought all my feelings about it up in therapy. There’s something to explore just when I think there’s nothing. –Daylily

  3. beautiful post. You made me cry.
    PS He broke the fucking locks???

    • More than one and when he couldn’t break the locks he went on the roof to climb through my window. How fucking invasive and scary is that for a little girl. What an asshole.

      • fullwellytillitgoesbang

        Someone should kick the shit out of the cowardly little bastard {:o$

      • He definitely needs an ass kicking! Are you volunteering? He he. Kidding.

        Believe it or not, my brother has made amends and he and I are on speaking terms. I even invite him to my house and allow him to stay in a guest bedroom. That doesn’t negate the fact I’d love to see him get his ass kicked for what he did to me. His admittance of guilt and a sincere apology wasn’t that satisfying.

        Hey, with all your mechanical interests I bet you’ve got a heavy-duty clamp we could put his balls in and watch him squirm as we tighten the clamp. (I say that to you because I know we both share a twisted sense of humor!)

      • fullwellytillitgoesbang

        Oh yes…… I am that twisted man…..
        Clamp his nob in the bench vice, take the vice handle out, give him a hacksaw, wish him luck and set light to the bleddy shed……
        K.x {:o)

      • Oh, man, I like the way you think. That would surely have a happy ending — either he would burn to death or get his “nob” (as you so eloquently put it) cut off. If I had to choose, I’d prefer the second scenario, which would torture him for a life time. Similar to the legacy he left for me to deal with, eventually he would assimilate to a life without a dick (or as you Brits refer to it, a “Willy”).
        Here is my back-at-you smiley face attempt : = ) –Daylily

      • fullwellytillitgoesbang

        If you really want to be British….. ‘Winkle’ is a particularly genteel term for a gentleman’s part…. LOL {:o)

        Re. the blog name…. Full welly (= flat out, =full bore, =maximum throttle) ’till (until) it goes bang (the engine goes bang)

        My other blog….( http://slurryoffagrape.blogspot.co.uk/ ) which has the same content… maybe one or two more posts….. is from the Cornish term to describe something that is fast, or quick…. as in…. ’tis so fast/quick as slurry off a grape, boy…. The inference that slurry slides off a grape pretty quickly…..

        ‘Slurry’ is…. “a form of manure (faeces) composed mainly of liquids. Slurry is collected and stored on many farms, especially when large numbers of animals are kept in factory units”

        If you Google ‘slurryoffagrape’ (one word) you’ll get the blog and some other meanderings by me… not the least my experiments on YouTube when I got a web-cam and did some Jethro jokes just for the fun of it…. Jethro is a very good Cornish comedian…. The only one as far as I know.

        I elaborated his jokes and have probably murdered them…..the webcam microphone is rubbish though. Don’t know how well they will translate though…. Be interested to know. LOL {:o)

        Look for Jethro on You Tube too… he’s good.. as long as it translates of course… {:o)
        K.x {:o)

      • “winkle” how cute! I think here we sometimes refer to a little boys parts as his winkie. Not I, I taught my boys the proper terminology and, then I’ve got my husband who doens’t holdback. The first time he called my sons testicles “balls” I was taken aback. His only 3! But, I soon understood it’s a father/son thing. : = )

        I like to dig into language and read definitions so your replies are enjoyable. However, the image of feces slipping off a grape is pretty discusting but then, it sums up your humorous blogs. I will visit the places you recommend and give you feedback — as soon as I get through this work week and am able to have some breathing room. It is Friday at 7:40 am so I am almost there!

        Perhaps a stupid question but what is the difference between British and Cornish?

      • fullwellytillitgoesbang

        Have you ever read the book, ‘Sh*t My Dad Says’ ? It’s quite priceless and I pretty much guarantee your husband will love it, by the sounds of him anyway. Whilst I don’t approve of the language the writer’s dad used to him when he was achild and growing up, his Father is a genius of expression and at saying it as it is, and you finish the book knowing he was a great Dad. If you haven’t read it, I insist you buy it. Plenty are cheaply available second hand on Amazon. He’sbringing out another book soon…. will get it when it is published, and hope it’s as good as SMDS.

        Cornwall (The native people are Cornish) is a simply county at the extreme south-west tip of Britain, and is part of Britain…. Or England as everyone calls it, now Scotland has it’s own Parliament. I personally hate it that we’ve become a bit divided and insist on calling this Island Britain. I refuse to say I live in England, which I do… in Somerset (another county above Devon, which is above Cornwall. (Keeping up?) I’m actually Scottish by birth…. Born in Edinburgh by my Scottish mother who married a Cornishman and nipped up on a train all alone to have me in Scotland back in 1954. I asked her why once…. And she said it was because she though I might’ve played rugby (Football for rough boys… lunatics actually, a bit like your football, but without the body armour) for Scotland. Poor woman… I hated any activity involving a ball. It needs to be 1)Fast and 2)Dangerous to interest me….
        I was brough up in Carnwall…. First in the largish surfing town of Newquay and then in the small country town of Wadebridge. Moved up here to Taunton in Somerset when I was 18 to do my nurse training, and been here ever since……

        TMI? {:o)
        K.x {:o)

      • Well, I don’t want to say TMI (which I never heard but I quickly guessed what you meant) however, I will say AOI (alot of information). Nevertheless, I like how you write and enjoyed reading your ramblings about places in England and Scotland. Okay, you don’t live in England, you live in Cornwall. Sounds lovely.

        Funny, I grew up in a large town in the state of Connecticut called Greenwich(coincidentally named after a borough in London). The town has smaller sections with different names such as Riverside, Cos Cob and Old Greenwich. I still prefer to say I grew up in Riverside than the larger “Greenwich” because Greenwich has a reputation of wealth and snobbery and where I grew up was more a humble, middle class neighborhood. More people have heard of Greenwich, though.

        My roots go back to England and there is evidence I have an ancestor that traveled to America as a Pilgrim on the Mayflower. So, I feel a special kinship for England and its’ people.

        TMI?

        I checked out some of the book Stupid Sh*t My Dad Says and it reminds me of my husband. I quote from the book:

        ON THE MEDICINAL EFFECT OF BACON
        You worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.

        I don’t know if you even eat bacon there but my husband cooks it for our boys like it’s a fucking main course. I tell him it’s full of pig fat and he tells the boys it’s protein.

        It does look like a funny book. There’s a similarly funny book for parents of young children that looks like a picture book, titled Go the F*uck to Sleep. I love that title because a parent would never say that or read such a book to their child (hopefully) but we all think it when we can’t get our small kiddies to sleep. Thankfully, I don’t have that problem anymore as my boys are older now.

        TaTa for now, –Daylily

      • It took me a long time to find my voice and put it into words.

  4. fullwellytillitgoesbang

    P.S.
    Do you have ‘sheds’ over there…. you call them ‘shops’ yes? Workshops? I dunno? I guess you know what I mean……. {:o)
    K.x {:o)

    • Yes, we have sheds but I think what you mean by shed we call workshops/shops or a garage if it’s got cars and motorcycles in it. Shops are typically for one’s vices and hacksaws. : = )

      I haven’t a clue what your blog name means except now that I’ve read a few posts about your love for motorcycles and going fast I presume it means going as fast as you can. Here we have a slang term that is similar, “put the pedal to the metal.”

  5. I admit I feel a little like this with my mum, it was only after her death that I returned to college to finally get some qualifications that were important as well as take on voluntary work, whilst I cared for her, I also used it as an excuse to be a lazy sod! I suspect if she is up there watching she would be somewhat proud of the things I have done over the past couple of years, but she would also be saying (like my godmother!), “If only she could lose some weight,” 😉

    • Oh wow! My dad would totally think the same thing. I could never rise to his standards in my earlier life or now. I know exactly what you mean. How does that effect our self-esteem to know our best is never good enough?

  6. I know I’ve been quiet…Life’s become so hectic…! I DIDNT SIGN UP FOR THIS!!! what a treat to squeeze some time from the stone to catch up on all I’ve missed.
    listen, girlfriend, your pain re your late dad is a big part of your profound sadness. I’m telling you. I get sad just reading about it.

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