I’ve been feeling so content that I’m surprised with the heaviness I feel weighing down my entire body. My back and chest are slumped over, my head is low and my mouth feels like it’s in a frown. Mentally I just feel sadness, pure and simple.
My dad was born this week and for some odd reason I always feel sad on his birthday, rather than the day he died, which was 27 years ago, when I was still in college. Birthdays are happy times and it’s a contradiction of terms to remember a dead person on their birthday. There will be no cake and celebrating at my house but I suppose a “happier” person could find it within them to “celebrate his life.” Not a depressed person, such as myself, who can ruminate on the dark side of things.
Perhaps it would have been different if I was able to build a longer relationship than that of 20 years. He was always disappointed in my rebellious streak and only briefly saw my life start to change for the better, when I began doing well in college. I never told him about my brother sexually abusing me but I’m sure he would have been so angry at my mother for not supervising what was going on at night. My dad wasn’t in the house when the abuse occurred because my parents had already separated/divorced.
I speculate if my dad hadn’t moved out my oldest brother wouldn’t have taken advantage of me. There was a real break-down when my parents split and my mom let this brother start acting like he was the man of the house. BAD IDEA! He took total advantage of his responsibilities in many ways but, worst of all he over-stepped himself when he would break the locks to get in my room at night. I wish I could tell my dad about all of that but it will never happen. My dad also wasn’t alive when I got married and he never met my beautiful children. He saw all of his children graduate from college except for me.
My father had high expectations for everyone in his life and I never lived up to them, at least in his lifetime. That makes me sad.
I must get a good night sleep to bounce out of these doldrums.♥