Tomorrow I go to the dentist to get a cavity replaced in the far back upper molar. This does not thrill me! I usually do what I gotta do but tomorrow I am going to take an anti-anxiety med before I step through the dentist’s door. Having Klonopin at my disposal is new to me–in my 40+ years I’ve never taken anything for anxiety but what the hell?
Maturity allows me to recognize that I’ve suffered depression and anxiety in silence because of a learned behavior from hiding the shame of childhood sexual abuse. There’s no shame in feeling anxious about the dentist so why pretend I’m fearless? I’ve never liked the whole thing about lying still with my mouth open. The way I fake bravery at each appointment feels similar to the façade I’ve presented to the outside world on many occasions with regard to my feelings of vulnerability. It is personal growth for me to acknowledge “weakness” and accept help by taking a pill. I don’t plan on telling the doctor that I am taking new medications. The dentist doesn’t have to know my emotional issues or my past. He will look at my records and think I’m still on Pristiq and that’s good enough. This particular practice has cubicles with low walls that serve about 8 patients at once. We’re basically all in one big room. The conversations are not private and I don’t feel comfortable talking about my medications in that situation. Admittedly, I dislike the social stigma of mental illness so I don’t publicly share that I suffer from depression. And that’s okay. Self-protectiveness is a good thing.
I will see Lynn, my therapist, on Saturday after a 3-week break. Hmmm, what will we discuss?
She recently prescribed Celexa and I want to tell her I like the effect it is having on my depression. I am not ruminating at all. However, Celexa hasn’t been as good for my sleep cycle; that’s a bit mixed up. The early morning awakenings are still occurring (around 4ish) and I realize it’s not depression because I’ve been feeling good everyday. It may be the Celexa hyping me up. I take Klonopin in the evening which helps me to fall asleep but once it wears off I wake up. Last night I tried not taking the Klonopin and I tossed and turned until midnight when I finally succumbed to taking a Klonopin. I fell asleep within minutes and slept until 7 am so that tells me the Celexa is messing with my sleep. (At least that’s my theory). It could also be the Wellbutrin I take in the morning but I was sleeping okay on that before. My mood is consistent so the medications are about all I feel there is to talk about. Oh, and I’m sure Linda will ask about my drinking. Once again, I have not had a drink since last weekend so I’m making progress. We’ll see if Lynn has other ideas. ♥