Chugging along…

I took a depression test last night and the results were “on the verge of depression.” That wouldn’t concern me too much if I had never been diagnosed with major depression. But, since I know the deepness that I can sink into when I’m depressed, those five little words are a warning.

Another warning is for the last 2 nights I’m waking at 4 am. It doesn’t seem to matter if I napped or not because 2 days ago I didn’t and I was still tossing at night. While trying to go back to sleep, my mind ruminates over little shit that I have no control over and should not be worrying about. The only way I’ve found to go back to sleep is taking 2 Tylenol. I guess they relax me just enough to put me to sleep about 20 minutes after taking them.

Those full baskets of clean laundry still sit in the same place since Sunday. Dirty laundry is scattered around my bedroom in piles because I don’t have my laundry baskets to put the dirty clothes in. Now that the weekend is here, I’ll get on that chore and try to catch up.

I had a migraine most of the week due to plummeting hormones. I’ve been taking Imitrex every day and that medication has to be carefully controlled because of how it effects blood vessels. I can only take 2 in a 24 hour period so it is a juggling act to not overdo it or I will have a rebound effect. Daylight savings time also affects my migraines so I’ve got that to look forward to this weekend!

I’m really hoping this slump is hormone related and as soon as my cycle picks up I’ll be feeling better. Of course, that I’m entering peri-menapause doesn’t help things at all. I need more estrogen.

I will not be seeing my therapist tomorrow because I cancelled. She got my voicemail and called me back and left a voicemail, asking how I was and offering time to talk on the phone if I felt it was necessary. I haven’t called her back but it was nice of her to offer. I’m feeling good enough to wait until my appointment next week to talk to her.

The few pounds I’ve lost has inspired me to try to lose weight. My stomach is gurgling from hunger right now but I ate lunch so I’m trying to ignore the urge to eat. It’s only 3:00 pm and you would think I could make it more than 3 hours without food. I need to lose at least 30 lbs but I hate to give myself a goal because I have a major fear of setting myself up for failure. I never talk to others about my weight, size or dieting because I feel like it’s a lack of character to let myself get heavy. And no way will I admit faults to others. I’m a master at disguising my fears/pain/hurt.

This brings me around to the issue of my drinking. I don’t like to talk about that either because I feel it shows a lack of strength on my part. Like, why not just stop the negative behavior. I know it’s an important issue in my treatment of depression so I force myself to write about it on this blog. If I want to stay on a constant level of emotions and not have my mood fluctuate (aside from the normal hormonal shit I got going on) I need to stop bingeing on wine. I’m making improvement in that I’m down to drinking only on the weekends but the best thing for my depression would be to stop all together. It’s so damn hard. No matter how well the antidepressants work, alcohol beats the medications by blocking all emotions. I stop worrying once I have a glass of wine or two. It’s a habit that is hard to break. I’ve written in other posts that as soon as I discovered beer in my teenage years, I used it as a way to self-medicate. I’ve quit drinking a few times for over a year each time (pregnancies and breastfeeding and another time when I first took Effexor). I know I can do it I just have to want it bad enough. I’m not sure I’m there yet.  I suppose I should at least credit myself for making progress by thinking and writing about it.

The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.”  

Carl Rogers

4 responses to “Chugging along…

  1. I think I know what you mean about drinking and depression. There is nothing that medicates me as well as a good glass of wine. However, it also comes back to kick me in the ass because I can’t stop at one. Good luck, I hope you aren’t really on the verge of depression.

    • Unfortunately the side effects of too much alcohol really suck. I’m mentally preparing myself to stop — that is what I want to do. I’ve got to due to my recently discovered high blood pressure and I know it doesn’t help my depression. 2 big goals — quit drinking and lose weight. Thanks for the good luck wish — I need it!

  2. they say that when ones had drinks, we cant hear our body saying thats enough food now! and its so true for me. just two or three drinks and I eat and eat and eat…and of course there’s the calories in those drinks too…but they’re not FAT calories and THOSE are the lil shits…

    • I think I’ve lost ten pounds (5 kgs) for just that reason. I cut back on wine and so I don’t have that late night binge eating that follows the drinking. Those are all calories I don’t need.

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