I’m chugging along with my life, no major bumps in the road this week. But, I admit to taking a lot of medications, some better for me than others. Upon waking I take a Prilosec, 1 Wellbutrin and 1 fexofenedine (antihistamine). After I eat breakfast, I take an antibiotic for sinusitis, which has a history of upsetting my stomach, for this reason I take the antibiotic after breakfast.
Those drugs sound tame enough but this entire week I’ve been taking two tylenol-3 (that means, Tylenol with codeine) once I’m home for the night. Initially it was for head pain (prescribed by my doctor) but now I’m just taking them because I love the pain relief it offers, both to my mental and physical conditions. My anger drops significantly and I can be more patient. I kind of know I’m not supposed to be taking that med just for the high. Okay, I’ll rephrase that I know I’m not supposed to be taking the med to get high and, since my headache dissipated tonight, I consciously chose to take the clonazepan (Klonopin) for anxiety. I had not taken one of those pills for at least 10 days but I don’t want to use all my Tylenol 3, so I gave it a try.
I considered doubling the anxiety med to see if it offered similar relief as Tylenol-3. But, I know that is not the answer to ceasing the Tylenol 3 so I took only one little pill, as prescribed by my therapist. I’m glad I only took one.
The clonazepan is making me tired. Dead tired. It hurt to get out of my car and walk up the stairs to my second floor office. Right now, my eyes and head feel like they are going to drop from exhaustion. I am trying to combat that feeling by eating a bunch of valentine candy I have in a mug next to me. I must harness enough energy to make dinner for the family and go get the dog from the groomers.
I feel a bit guilty that I may be taking the prescription strength Tylenol not as the doctor ordered. Well, I did have a migraine and sinus headache all week. I told myself that is why I was taking it and it really, truly was – at first. The purpose quickly changed and became a desire to blot out my feelings. The effect is very similar to what a few glasses of wine would do.
Why can’t depressed people take pain medication for the long haul? It offers a nice little respite from anxiety and depression. Who wouldn’t want to block out all mental and physical pain every night?
The pain meds and alcohol are not viewed as appropriate ways to manage depression (and those feelings brought about from re-living past trauma.) It works for me, though. I numb out and forget the feelings for a while. I and many other survivors of abuse need this control in our lives. For one, it might be anorexia, for another, self-harm through cutting and for me it is mood altering chemicals. All behaviors are learned coping mechanisms that allow us to forget our mental suffering.
Do I mention this new habit to Lynn on Saturday? It’s by no means a physical addiction since I’ve only been doing it for a week but the desire says something about my mental state.
Let’s just admit that the antidepressant is not working. Funny thing is I’m not turning against myself with negative thoughts; instead I am pissed off at friends, family and even co-workers. Anger can be a symptom of depression (obviously) but a sense of worthlessness and shame is a more common reaction for me. I haven’t reacted with pure anger in 10 years. I don’t think my family and friends appreciate it but I like that my thoughts are not self-depreciating. It’s easier to blame others than to feel like it’s my fault.
This anger is attached to a feeling of suspicion. I don’t trust others motives and I react with negativity and bitterness. My husband wants to mess around with his hobby in the basement and I over react that he never helps our 11-year-old with his homework. Not that one thing has to do with the other but in my eyes it does. My mom is focused on my brother-The Perp-and it pisses me off that she continues the old patterns. My girlfriend is sneaking around in cyber-space behind her husband and it annoys me that I don’t know the whole story and that she’s cut me out of that piece of her life. The list goes on…I’m generally irritated with everybody.
Oh, I forgot how I feel mistrustful of my therapist. I felt betrayed by Lynn’s cancellation last week. Suspicion of her commitment seeps into my thinking and I question the entire relationship.
Time for a reality check.
How is it that I’m not pleased with anyone right now? Could everyone really be doing things wrong?
Where is my sense of pleasure in anything? Why don’t I feel settled? Why do I want to be alone all the time?
This tells me my issues are symptomatic of depression. It is not presenting itself in the usual self-hate way, but depression it is.
Writing journal-style is a great way for me to talk out my issues and come to a clearer perspective. I know what I have to do. I will go to Lynn on Saturday and express how I’ve been feeling and behaving for the past 3 weeks.
Does she need to know every detail of how I’m managing this depression? I think not. With my difficulties exposing vulnerability it will be a successful visit if I trust her enough to be forthcoming that I’m not doing well. From there, I will see how the session unfolds. ♥