Depressed and burning bridges…

I haven’t seen Lynn since 2 Saturdays ago and, being that I have another appointment with her in 2 days, my mind starts to worry.

I want to cancel…I really don’t want to go and open up my hurt and vulnerability…I don’t have to go…I should call and cancel today because that will give her enough notice…

These are all things I tell myself. But, I recognize that therapy is necessary to improve my mental health. I know opening up and exposing fears and anxieties will help me. But I hate doing it. Therapy is like getting a tooth pulled, hurts like hell but a person does it because they will ultimately be better for it.

Right now I feel riddled with anxiety and nervousness. I really can’t see where therapy is helping.

Therapy has made things worse than before. I may have been depressed with a tendency to self-medicate with wine but at least I didn’t have my history staring me in the face. I was cruising along on auto pilot, with the past behind me. Foolishly, I believed the sexual abuse and aftermath were former problems. They were taken care of, worked on with other therapists. Before embarking on this new therapy with Lynn, I perceived my problem as “depression” and I thought the solution was how to best manage it with medication.

That has been blown right out of the water! Seeing a new psychoanalyst has changed everything. I don’t like the unease it’s causing in my everyday life. The problem has become my dysfunctional thoughts that developed around my childhood experiences. I wasn’t fretting over every little thing and now I’m ruminating and feeling paranoid and angry. The bottom line is bringing my past to the forefront has caused major anxiety. PTSD rears its ugly head.

What is wrong with me, since I began therapy, I feel like I’m burning all my bridges…

I have a best friend of 13 years that I wrote an angry email to, being critical of the things she is doing in her life. That was 3 days ago and we haven’t talked since, whereas we typically talk on the phone every day. I’m angry at her for staying in an abusive relationship while having an online affair with someone. Our friendship felt awkward because half the time she wouldn’t talk because her children or husband were in ear shot and I felt totally left out of her secretive life. I finally got so pissed off that I sent an email. In ways, I feel justified because I don’t agree with how she is handling her life right now. It’s a long story but I’ve done this to friends before. I tell them what they should be doing, as if it’s my place to say. The pattern seems to be once my girlfriends start complaining too much about their husbands and yet they stay with them, I just get fed up and separate myself. When they keep complaining I finally snap and feel like I can’t take their problems anymore. This friend isn’t calling me and I’m not making a move either. She was my only friend and I just messed it up.

I’ve also been angry at my mom again and I really thought I had worked through all of that blame from childhood sexual abuse. But, it’s moved right to the forefront and is staring me in the face. I feel like she shows favoritism to the brother who abused me and it’s the same old pattern from childhood, of her not recognizing my needs.

I thought I’d moved on and had forgiven my brother, the perp, for sexually abusing me. Now, I’m feeling anger, resentment and rage to the point where I don’t want to see him. Since Christmas, I vow to not have him visit me again. This feeling comes after 20 years of allowing him in my house, letting him play with my children and sharing family vacations together.

I wonder why I’m burning bridges. Where is my anger and anxiety coming from?

I’ve been on a higher dose of Wellbutrin, 150 mgs, for almost 2 weeks. It’s hard to tell if it’s working because I have a sinus infection (again) and I’m taking an antibiotic. Also, for the last 3 nights I’ve been taking pain meds to sleep. (They were prescribed by my doctor for acute sinus pain). I have not been taking the Klonopin for a week because nothing feels settled and what is one little pill going to do once a day?

I haven’t had a drink for a week since I’ve been sick, so I can’t blame these emotions on the alcohol, except perhaps I feel all this stress because I’m not self-medicating. Well, with a sinus headache, the last thing my head needs is alcohol so that’s not an option.

This sounds like depression. I recognize the signs, as do all of you who are reading my rambling, neurotic words. But, since I’m sick, that could be the cause of this negative thinking, too.

I do not want to go to see Lynn feeling this way. My thinking is so screwed up that I hate to show it like an open book. How peculiar that when I most need a therapist is when I least want to go. The mind is a funny thing. Right now, I’m happiest by myself but life doesn’t work that way. I’ve got kids, a husband and a job so I’ve got to improve my thinking before I make everyone hate me.

I must keep some of the bridges so I have people in my life who still care about me. Feeling angry and isolating myself is not a good thing, which means I’ll go to the therapist, express my issues and try to get help managing this stress.

Sigh.

3 responses to “Depressed and burning bridges…

  1. This is, by far, your best post ever.
    And again, I can SO relate…my mother still shows my perp-brother favouritism too, amongst other things…, but what I can relate to most, is how MESSY your feelings are at the moment. When I started serious therapy a few months ago, that was where I was, and after about 10 really intense weekly sessions (where I just had to knock back a double right afterwards!), I was amazed at how ORDERLY my feelings had become; that I could now miraculously SEE them; SEE myself having them; RECOGNIZE them, and now actually MANAGE them.
    And that same orderliness and efficiency has spilt over to all aspects of my life.
    I’m AMAZED by psychotherapy.
    The shrink said I was particularly good at it.
    She said that my ability to be so open and honest(read Vulnerable) was the key to my success.
    I’ve stopped my regular sessions now coz I couldn’t afford to carry on, but I’ll definitly go back again for a bit of a “maintenance” session one of these days, as I’m having an issue and I’ve become a bit dependent on her, I guess :).
    All she ever did was chat about what was going on in my life; or whatever was on my mind, bothering me.
    And of course she would ask good questions. Good DIFFICULT questions. And answering them was often hard, as I didnt even KNOW the answers, but I knew I shouldnt just say “I dont know” and would literally SWEAT, trying to answer.

    As far as your friendship goes…HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.
    And we outgrow friendships sometimes.
    Therapy changes EVERYTHING.
    Brings you back to the happy you; the one before the abuse.
    thinking of you my friend
    x
    ps. honesty is not rambling. We wouldnt read you if you werent making any sense.

    • My best post ever? HA, that comment made me smile because it sure doesn’t feel like it is. Thanks for everything you wrote. You are right, of course, and it helps to have an outsider tell me that what I’m feeling is normal.

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