Why do I want to cry out right now? How can it be, 3o plus years later, I continue to feel traumatized? The anxiety is centered in my chest and I feel scared. Didn’t I work through all of this childhood sexual abuse stuff in my 20’s?
A familiar sense of fear has enveloped me and all it took was a simple retelling (in my last post) of childhood experiences. The horror of sexual abuse is not the whole picture. The aftermath is what still haunts me. Following early events, I began to act out in self-defeating ways. The impulses were driven by something out of my control and I’m overwhelmed by memories of a life full of drugs, alcohol, stealing, lying, extreme anger and sexual promiscuity.
I wonder if anyone else can relate to the feeling of their adolescence being an out-of-body experience. Doing things and acting out in ways that are not like your true nature? From the ages of 13-17 I was one bad-ass girl. I had no fear and anything that was risky and dangerous was what I sought out as fun. My behaviors with sex, drugs and alcohol were your typical teenage rebellion but the memories are surreal and seem like they are from a different life. Looking back on that time, it scares the shit out of me.
Fortunately, at age 18, I saw the light and I changed my ways. But, man, those 5 years were wild and out of control.
The life I have now is so predictable and settled. It’s nothing like my adolescence. I went off to college, focused on my school, met my husband and settled down. No one believes my stories of being suspended from school more than 12 times, telling teacher’s to “f-off” and ultimately getting expelled from high school.
Fast forward to the present…
I’ve written in previous posts about a feeling that I try to live without any drama because I fear my past would rear its ugly head. That fear is so irrational. I’m a 40 plus year-old married woman with children, for God’s sake. I haven’t lead that life for years. But my fear feels real and right now I’m staring it down.
I’m thinking this is the issue I should address with Lynn in therapy; more so than focusing on the relationship with my mother.
Where there is a sense of fear and anxiety there is also an issue that is holding you back or, perhaps, even a reason for reoccurring major depression.