Belief in reincarnation as a survival tool

I used to believe that I was destined to go through many lives before I got it right. I knew I was a bad example of a girl. This memory is from when I was about 22, and I am crying as I write this because I hate myself for still holding on to this idea. Today, after going to therapy, I’m feeling defeated. I feel the same overwhelming sense of being a failure. Back then, I just graduated college, had my first full-time job, lived with a good man (whom I’m still married to) but, even so, I felt like a complete failure. I held on to extreme amounts of fear and shame from the effects of having been sexually abused as a child and I learned to put the blame on myself. My depression and anxiety were over the top and I felt certain I was defective. I believed no one could love someone like me because I was damaged on the inside. I couldn’t express my emotional pain except to internalize it and reason I was a lower form of life that hadn’t evolved.

I felt like a turtle hiding in their shell and I was too frightened to come out, but I knew that normal people don’t feel this way. I hated myself for not being able to give to others what you are supposed to in order to be a good friend or lover. And my need to be alone caused me to feel like a useless human being. I should have been more social and I criticized myself for being such a recluse. The only way I could explain my fear and anxiety was that I was less of a person than others.

I believed in Heaven and reincarnation. When I died and got to Heaven I was certain God would judge me as incomplete and undesirable. I was sure I would be sent back to live another life through reincarnation. And, in my mind, this would not happen just once but more times than I could count. As a young adult, I rationalized that I would have to suffer through this life in order to learn the necessary skills to be a better person in another life but I would suffer through many lives before I got to the perfect life because I was that screwed up. I didn’t see any hope of things getting better because my internal suffering was so great.

Right now, after a tough therapy session with Lynn, I feel like broken goods. I’m not even sure I have what it takes to put things in the right place to get where I want to be. I’m feeling those same old words in my head, and they are telling me “not in this lifetime.”

That, my friends, is the twisted thinking of a depressed, sexually abused person.

Stay tuned for my next post which is about what happened in therapy to bring up these old feelings.

2 responses to “Belief in reincarnation as a survival tool

  1. I liked your post because it spells out some of the ways our thinking of being defective (from the sexual abuse) shows up in our everyday lives.. I don’t like what happened, nor do I like the pain you are living in with is doing to you.. I do like that you are willing to sort out what reincarnation means to you now.. My ideas are I was bad in the past and am being punished. Even though its not clear what the explaination is, we all (as survivors) are struggling with issues of God and spiritual lives and understanding what it means to us to grow up in this society. I am glad to hear and read another survivors story.. Thanks for being courageous in your writing and thinking.

    • Thanks for reading my blog and sharing your thoughts. I see your gravatar says you published your story. Where and what is it called? Do you have a blog, too? I’m always looking to hear from fellow survivors. Thanks for replying.

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