I have been doing so well not over indulging with alcohol – I can hardly believe it myself. I used to drink an entire bottle or more a night on the weekends and now I just got through this last weekend with only 1 bottle that lasted me 2 nights. That’s what I call improvement!
I was careful not to start the new dose of Bupropion (Wellbutrin) or to try the Clonazepam (Klonopin) until I finished the bottle of wine. I am committed to not drinking when I take the Clonazepam because that’s why I’m taking it, to reduce the anxiety I feel that makes me drink. My new mantra is I will not drink on Clonazepam.
My depression overall is not as bad because I slept well the last 2 nights due to a combination of steroids (I’m tapering off), a couple of glasses of wine and half a pain pill at bed. That pretty much knocked me out and allowed me to sleep 8 hours, uninterrupted, which is rare for me. I don’t feel guilty that I took all of those meds because the best thing I can do for myself is get a good night’s sleep. Sleep is so restorative that one should never discount the importance of it.
This morning I popped the first Bupropion 100 mg tablet SR and I felt good all day. Not too tired or dazed and I even had some extra energy at work, which was very nice. After work, I felt stressed and decided I would try the Clonazepam, instead of drinking as a means of self-medicating, to reduce my anxiety. That was a couple of hours ago and I feel dizzy and slightly drunk. No surprise, I suppose, that I like it because it took away my anxiety. When I went into the kitchen this evening, I had absolutely no interest in drinking wine. This is good news! Wine has caused me to gain weight which in turn has caused high blood pressure, although I also think the wine itself makes my blood pressure higher. Regardless, I need to stop drinking so much and I’m headed in the right direction.
Do I feel guilty that I’m relying on so much medication? Absolutely not! I went through my entire life not being treated when I felt sick which in turn led me to suck it up when I didn’t feel well, including all of the symptoms I’ve suffered with depression. It’s taken me years to ask for help and to accept the medication and therapists suggestions. This is the road to recovery. I must reach out and trust others. Not be a martyr and try to prove something to myself. I am depressed and I do need medication.
It’s new to me to have medication to relieve anxiety, that’s for sure. But my therapist’s last words at our last session were “don’t be afraid to take the pain medication.” She is right – the fear I have of appearing vulnerable and needy is counterproductive to me getting well. I have to put all my feelings, including the fears and anxieties out on the table and then accept help.