The familiar anxiety and self-loathing befalls me. The manner in which I view myself, from the 3rd person in a derogatory way, is a sure sign of depression. I feel a bit hung up by this blog so I am going to revert back to the way I freely write if I were to be writing in my personal journal for no one’s eyes but my own. For many years I liked to write in my journal because I used it as a dumping place –with no judgment or opinions. I need that right now because I feel shitty. Read with caution, this is from the mind of a person suffering from depression…
My mind is just beating me up since I got off of Pristiq. I feel my psychological state is like a train wreck, cars piling up on top of cars. It’s not enough that I feel down on myself but I self-condemn and bring in this self-hate thing. I never speak up for what I need and then I suffer through shit I don’t care about. Double trouble.
The big question I have for myself today is Why the hell is a competent, intelligent 40-year-old (definitely mature) woman in such as a place that I have no goals in life or a drive to do something more than what I’m doing?
What’s wrong with me that I don’t have fantasies, goals and aspirations? Something terrible must have happened in my childhood to make me unworthy of dreams.
How sad that I don’t dream to do or be something more. I drag myself through the day-to-day crap of this life and that will be it until the day I die. There must be a reason I don’t fantasize for a better life. I prefer to sit and wallow in my unhappiness.
My husband loves me but I don’t often ask him for anything. When I do, he says he doesn’t have time or he’s got other things to do. I hate that he isn’t supportive but I’m more sad that I’m in a relationship with a guy that I let get away with doing whatever he wants while I settle for nothing. For example, I asked my husband if he would wrap presents on his day off tomorrow so our kids don’t find unwrapped gifts before Christmas – they are getting older and I’m sure they are looking for presents (I know I did as a kid). His reaction was practically a stab in the back – just leave him alone and he’ll decide what he is going to do. Of all things, he said, “I’ve still got to do something for our anniversary.” (That’s this Sat). My reply, “Just get me a card, that’s all I need.”
I am nothing. Not worthy of effort, time, energy, things, help.
There’s something wrong with me, I just know it. I can’t see the good behind my self-pity. Tonight, after dinner, my husband and boys helped clear the table and load the dishwasher. I didn’t even ask. I also didn’t say thank you. I should be happy that I have their help… but I can only see what isn’t being done.
Why do I not ask for things, dream like others? Expect good things in my life?
Lastly, my self-loathing is so strong that I fear my next appointment with the new therapist in 2 days. My mood has changed dramatically since she took me off the antidepressant. I have thought of cancelling because I don’t like to expose my weaknesses and be in need. I liked it better when I was happy and moving forward. But, I will find the strength inside me to go to the appointment and be vulnerable ….