Random thoughts

Hit Baseline — No Alcohol No antidepressants – and Feeling Good

Here I am free of alcohol and antidepressants and I feel calm. I find that I’m not tired, I’m able to get through the afternoon without a nap and I’m able to stay up later and get up earlier. To top that, I’m not angry or irritable. Not one thing is bothering me. Is this peace of mind? And do I actually have the ability to feel this without drugs, alcohol, sex or sleep? Incredibly it is not manufactured in a bottle or laboratory.  This is amazing and I question whether it’s too good to be true.

How long have my antidepressants been making me worse rather than better? Let’s see. 10 years ago I began with Paxil. I took that for a good year or two and then I got frustrated that I couldn’t achieve an orgasm and I sought out a psychiatrist. He tried me on Effexor and I was relieved I could reach climax and it curbed my desire to drink but other side effects emerged and so began my experimentation with antidepressants, sleeping pills and even an ADHD drug. Each drug came with its own negative side effects and none seemed better than another. My thoughts always returned to my first love, Paxil, because my anxiety noticeably lifted the first time I took it and I asked myself if I had to choose between no depression or an orgasm, I would choose no depression. So, I left my psych doc, returned to my regular doc and she put me on peroxitene because in the time I was away, Paxil had gone generic. I swear the generic did not have the same effectiveness as Paxil so I tried Paxil CR which was GlaxoSmithKline’s patented SSRI after paroxetine went generic. CR means continuous release. I hated it and felt tired and loopy all day. I cut the pills in half and sometimes a quarter for months at a time trying to juggle the dosage, ward off depression and stay awake and alert. After a couple of years, I felt that drug had run its course in my body so I was prescribed Pristiq, which is none other than a new version manufactured by Effexor’s parent, Pfizer or Wyeth (who can keep track these days). I cut that one in half, too, because it’s a time release. I was not doing any better with Pristiq and perhaps worse. I’ve been on Pristiq for about 3 years and it’s taken me that long to realize I’m drinking, sleeping and eating way too much. That’s when I walked into a new therapist’s office, seeking help in finding a new and improved antidepressant.

The first thing she did was ask me to get off the meds so she could see me baseline. Here I am 3 weeks later and my head is clear, no more withdrawal symptoms and I don’t feel shitty about my life. I’m not even craving alcohol or junk food…

I’m eerily calm….

One response to “Random thoughts

  1. I am very happy to read this! Keep writing! B.

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