November 19, 2011
I saw Lynn today. She asked if I had any issues leftover from my first visit. I said, yes and explained how hard it was to get off Pristiq in 6 days. I told her about the headaches, sinus infection and withdrawal symptoms. I was aware I was talking too much without a real purpose so I stopped and stated, “I don’t want to just ramble on without a reason. I’m here for a purpose so why don’t I let you talk.” She hesitated briefly and then said withdrawing in 6 days is not aggressive but for my body I would know best. She also thinks the head dizziness is not from the meds but I know it is. I tuned her out thinking blah, blah, blah. Why do Dr’s always want to deny the cause is their meds?
She asked, point-blank, “How is it going with the alcohol?” I like that she is direct and doesn’t pussy-foot around. I smiled, said that is a main concern of mine, and explained what’s been going on. We talked about alcohol in my family. My extended family drink cocktails at 5:00 every day but no alcoholism to the point of spoiling ones’ future or health. My husband does not drink, except on special occasions.
She then asked about my childhood and sexual abuse issues. I quickly caught her up to speed that I found a social worker back in the 80’s by contacting the director of Mass Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. I called, asked for a referral and the director said, “For a child?” I said, “No, for me.” Hence, I found a person I figured I could trust if such a well-known organization was referring me. I lacked an ability to trust anyone and held everything in so the road to self exposure was long.
A psychiatrist I saw a few years ago told me childhood sexual abuse is not my main issue. Family dynamics & a genetic predisposition to depression are my foes. He also said I need to find a purpose in my life, something that I enjoy. Lynn said that part of what the doc said is old school, distinguishing non-penetration as not real “sexual abuse.” I argue that the doc’s point is valid that one incident does not change the course of a person’s life. It was the dynamics of the abuse and how it could continue and my reaction to it.
Lynn asked about how I came to forgive my brother and I said I chose to no longer give him any more power than he already had taken from me for so many years. He would not be involved or pay for my healing. The present and future was mine. The pain he caused in the past was the only part that was his. I allowed him to be a part of my future by letting go of the past.
I talked to Lynn about a former therapist of mine from 2008 who did Energy Field Therapy. Her therapeutic techniques brought back some painful pieces in my past and I felt hurt and ran (never going back). Lynn said spontaneous re-traumatization can happen anywhere, anytime. I agreed. She suggested people in massage may cry for no specific reason. I remembered the same experience happening to me after sex with my husband; the intimacy made me cry during many close encounters.
The conversation was going quite well. I was in control and in my head. Then, Lynn brought up my recently diagnosed high blood pressure. I said I know that eating right and exercising are keys for me. She encouraged me to exercise and told me it increases endorphins. I said I know all that. I need a jump-start because I’m not feeling energetic. I felt weepy and sad. I’m not someone who you can say to Hey do this and all will be well. I can not just be told such things because I feel self-hatred that I can’t be all that I should be. I told her what she said made me feel depressed. She did not cause my depression but her words triggered something in me. She abruptly tried to make it seem like she hadn’t triggered pain and tried to change the subject. “Never mind that, let’s focus on the medications, etc.”
I couldn’t focus on anything after she found my sensitive spot. I feel fat and unhealthy. It makes me feel depressed that I don’t have the energy to make positive changes. Of course, I should know better. I must really suck that I can’t do what I know is right.